Friday, October 30, 2009

It was inevitable, I guess -- and a response

Here is the first comment I've ever gotten that's rankled:

Anonymous
said...
Can you please explain why you have not tried IVF? Maybe I missed it in an old post. Thank you. October 30, 2009 10:16 AM

There are so many ways to respond. PLENTY of good reasons for our choices. And yet, why do I feel the need to explain?

And why do I expect the next sentence in this comment would be "why don't you just adopt?" ?

*****

Response:

I actually don't mind this question itself so much; it's more the tone, the way it's phrased, I think. And yes, I do believe that I mention this somewhere in my blog.

In the original 9 cycles of IUI, we conceived 4 times -- that's a 45% conception rate, though only the last pregnancy got past the first few weeks. 45% is better than most IVF clinics, from what I've seen on SART.

We have discussed IVF, as a couple and with the doctor, but the consensus is that IVF will not necessarily help us get pregnant more than IUI, we could do PGD, but that extra $5K will not get us any closer to being or staying pregnant.

Of course, the WTF consult may lead us to a different conclusion, as it has been 2 years, and who knows what's changed. Of course, the conception rates (let alone the live birth rate) for women my age and with our issues doing IVF are still not anywhere near 45%.

*****

For anyone looking for information on how people make these choices, may I suggest re-considering how you ask such questions?

9 comments:

jill said...

First, I'm sorry about your negative. I don't have the words to express how sucky that is - blah :/

When I read the comment for the first time I imagined someone maybe in a similar situation as you that is considering IVF herself and is wondering about your reasons. Though, if this is the case, it's a rather blunt and oddly worded comment.

I've been reading your blog for a while now and I never once thought "why hasn't she tried IVF?". I've been TTC for the better part of the last 13 years and have never done IUI or IVF. Bloggers have so far respected that but doctors are another story. They can't understand why I wouldn't want to "just get pregnant" with IUI or IVF - I just want them to fix me so I can get pregnant by doing it with my husband. (all this to say that I can understand why that comment would annoy you.)

Sue said...

Hi, Jill. Thanks for your thoughts. I went ahead and answered this. Good luck to you!

Mo and Will said...

wonderful response. I'm sorry this cycle was negative.

Mo

Tash said...

Um, Anon, $$$???!!! Hellllooo? I mean, an IUI cycle runs in the hundreds to probably a thousand depending on the medications you need, whereas the average IVF cycle (ONE CYCLE) costs $12,000. Unless you're lucky enough to live in a cool state like NY, insurance covers none of this.

And I agree, the question could've been asked differently, especially if they were after information for themselves.

Sue, awesome job answering with class. You rock, even when you feel like hell.

Betty M said...

Sympathetically worded that question could have been a good one. I do often wonder at particular choices pople have made but generally I figure if the answer isn't found in the archives then probably the answer isn't one the blogger wants to discuss so I hold my tongue.

Sue said...

Thanks for your support, folks.

I didn't even really touch on the money aspect, did I? Yeah, now that we have some insurance, it's certainly something we can consider, but we still have to come up with an awful lot of money to make the 50% co-payment. With ICSI, which we would need, it's even more than $12k.

And then there's the whole emotional thing of IVF. Even more intense than my IUI experience. And the daily appointments. And, you know, the whole idea of a needle poking through walls? And if I stim like this on IUI level, what am I going to do for IVF? And how well do FETs work anyway?

Sorry. See, this is why I initially resisted responding.

And, thanks, Jill, Mo and Will, and Tash. Thanks for backing me up.

Sue said...

Betty, thanks to you, too. Must have cross-posted.

Thalia said...

Well, you do well to respond so kindly to the original question. But I am suprised at your doctor's reasoning. The money issue with IVF I get, but the chances of getting pregnant with IVF are always much higher than IUI, where the chances are usually not much higher than trying alone.

In any case, I hope this works for you with not much more of a drama.

luna said...

yes it would be nice if those who would suggest how we might build our families could find a new way to rephrase their question, or better yet reconsider asking altogether and just assume that we have considered ALL options before moving forward with one.

the odds of the gamble are reason enough not to try, but the expense is also prohibitive (tash said the average cycle is 12k, but without coverage it can fast grow to 15-20k.)

aside from that is the physical toll cycling takes -- multiple injections, discomfort, reactions and side effects to the meds, and lets not forget the unknown risks.

or the emotional turmoil.