I feel crappy. Stupid cold. Jumbled head. Broken body.
People keep their distance so I can keep my germs to myself.
Writing a paper on Leadership. An extended definition. Social Justice. Five pages.
Justice? Leadership?
Are you fucking kidding me?
*****
So, I have an appointment for my laparosc.opy (and a ride, thanks!) and an appointment with the urol.ogist. Another stranger to take my pants off for. Woo hoo!
Oh, and I spoke with the nurse at the RE's office today and yesterday about setting up pre-op stuff. My pharm was playing phone tag with the RE last week about changing my meds. Pharm wants to move me back to Cym.balta and off of the Pr.ozac, since I'm such a mess. Really feeling it. I know it's a combination of things. But I really hate it.
So, yeah, the pharm wanted to see how adamant the RE was about me taking the Cym in relation to pg, and of course they both have me as as their "first priority" rather than any baby that may come along, and we can adjust then, should that happen.
"If" I get pregnant I believe was the pharm's expression.
Maybe we should do IVF. Just blow it all on one shot. What the hell are our chances, anyway?
Maybe we should just get this all over with so we can move on.
I don't want to move on. I don't know why. I can't seem to let go yet. And it seems to be ruining me.
How's that for negative?
*****
So, I'm talking to the RE's nurse about setting up the pre-op and the med change, and she's being really sympathetic. Almost too sympathetic. Like how it hurts her heart that there are so many people who have babies who don't want them, and we have gone through so much. That we would be such wonderful parents. And she's just praying that one day the light will shine on us. I made some half-joking/snarky comment about how someone needs to talk to the man with the light bulbs, and she said, I was talking about God, dear.
Yeah.
I know.
And see how much God has helped so far?
*****
Who, me? Negative?
Maybe more cold medicine will help. For tonight, anyway.
Sleep is good.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Why?
Thinking of Mrs. Spit today, who is grieving another loss. My heart breaks for her.
Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it seem there is no fairness?
Are we only allotted a certain about of good, and then everything else is a crapshoot? A little taste, here and there? Or some freaking lesson to be learned?
Or chaos? It's making more and more sense, but it's making me more and more pissed off.
*****
If you have a moment, go give some love to Mrs. S.
Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it seem there is no fairness?
Are we only allotted a certain about of good, and then everything else is a crapshoot? A little taste, here and there? Or some freaking lesson to be learned?
Or chaos? It's making more and more sense, but it's making me more and more pissed off.
*****
If you have a moment, go give some love to Mrs. S.
Dammit
Seems like it was a nice weekend all around. Weather, indeed, helps the spirits.
Alas, moods pass. Clouds return.
It was not the antibiotics. It's just me. Sad. Anxious. Hopeless. Teary. Again.
I did no school/classwork. Met up with a friend at the dogpark who is totally awesome, but just (unknowingly) reminds me of how out of the loop I am professionally. Socially, I am finding footing. Some. Not enough. I am 16 again.
RE says to give it another cycle or two before making any big decisionssince technically we just finished cycle 2, not 11. Will support us in whatever we want to do. Is willing to field questions and suggestions to tweak treatments.
Horrible clouds of despair. Wanting to hide under the covers. Don't know where to go or what to do with all this.
Referral to a urologist. Potentially research IVF clinics. Hi, nice to meet you. Here let me open my legs for you. Can you talk to me like I have a brain in my head? And give me any real hope? Who do I trust. Doctors?
All this dreck a half an hour after 1 mg of Klon. I have a regularly scheduled appointment on Wednesday with the pharm shrink.
Oh, and the necklace came off. No, I took the necklace off. Maybe it's all this. Maybe it's just the season.
Sorry.
***
p.s. Nov 7 was two years since the nuchal, when we really got invested in the little creatures floating around my belly. It was when C came out to everyone.
p.p.s. Nov 15 wll be one year since we brought Stella home. And we are all better off for it. LOVE her. And yet, reminded of much more.
Alas, moods pass. Clouds return.
It was not the antibiotics. It's just me. Sad. Anxious. Hopeless. Teary. Again.
I did no school/classwork. Met up with a friend at the dogpark who is totally awesome, but just (unknowingly) reminds me of how out of the loop I am professionally. Socially, I am finding footing. Some. Not enough. I am 16 again.
RE says to give it another cycle or two before making any big decisionssince technically we just finished cycle 2, not 11. Will support us in whatever we want to do. Is willing to field questions and suggestions to tweak treatments.
Horrible clouds of despair. Wanting to hide under the covers. Don't know where to go or what to do with all this.
Referral to a urologist. Potentially research IVF clinics. Hi, nice to meet you. Here let me open my legs for you. Can you talk to me like I have a brain in my head? And give me any real hope? Who do I trust. Doctors?
All this dreck a half an hour after 1 mg of Klon. I have a regularly scheduled appointment on Wednesday with the pharm shrink.
Oh, and the necklace came off. No, I took the necklace off. Maybe it's all this. Maybe it's just the season.
Sorry.
***
p.s. Nov 7 was two years since the nuchal, when we really got invested in the little creatures floating around my belly. It was when C came out to everyone.
p.p.s. Nov 15 wll be one year since we brought Stella home. And we are all better off for it. LOVE her. And yet, reminded of much more.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Wiggley Field
It is a beautiful fall day in the mid-west. C and I had a reasonably productive morning cleaning the house and paying bills, and soon we are off to take the Stella-pup to a local dog park to romp and sniff and bark. Off leash.
Ya Chun suggested something like acupuncture, something soothing and re-invigorating, and to be honest, I'd been considering it. I called for an appointment, for both me and for C, but, alas, my guru is booked until next Saturday. It is just as well, as money has been a bit tighter than usual this fall. Nothing terrible, just less room for things like, well, acupuncture (yes, it is covered by insurance, but we have to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed).
So, it occurred to me that the weather is nice, hasn't been too wet, and it's been a while since the pup had a romp. And there is something so satisfying, so restorative about taking the dog out to play, especially among a bunch of other dogs who are so happy to be outside and playing. And we will be meeting up with friends we haven't seen in a while, and their dog, too. Stella's best friend, Nana.
Just the prospect of this makes me feel good. Last night was rough. This week was rough. Even this morning wasn't easy. But somehow, I'm willing to suspend all that for a few hours and enjoy my pup enjoying herself.
Thanks for hanging in there with me. I know it's been an ugly week. Who knows what tomorrow will bring (grading mid-terms -- ugh). But right now is okay.
What are you up to today?
Ya Chun suggested something like acupuncture, something soothing and re-invigorating, and to be honest, I'd been considering it. I called for an appointment, for both me and for C, but, alas, my guru is booked until next Saturday. It is just as well, as money has been a bit tighter than usual this fall. Nothing terrible, just less room for things like, well, acupuncture (yes, it is covered by insurance, but we have to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed).
So, it occurred to me that the weather is nice, hasn't been too wet, and it's been a while since the pup had a romp. And there is something so satisfying, so restorative about taking the dog out to play, especially among a bunch of other dogs who are so happy to be outside and playing. And we will be meeting up with friends we haven't seen in a while, and their dog, too. Stella's best friend, Nana.
Just the prospect of this makes me feel good. Last night was rough. This week was rough. Even this morning wasn't easy. But somehow, I'm willing to suspend all that for a few hours and enjoy my pup enjoying herself.
Thanks for hanging in there with me. I know it's been an ugly week. Who knows what tomorrow will bring (grading mid-terms -- ugh). But right now is okay.
What are you up to today?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
S.N.A.F.U.
Situation
Normal.
All
Fucked
Up.
*****
On Monday met with the RE. C and I were...pointy with each other, all day, on the way. Rough. Very rough all around
The RE did not have much for me. He thinks I can get pg this way. But, we are starting over, it was not cycle 11, it was cycle 2. If I want to do IVF, he says, go ahead. Do everything so we don't feel like maybe we didn't do something.
Reviewed general stuff, asked about meds (brav.elle vs. foll), taking the mac.robid during the 2ww. Answering questions. My periods have not been normal, so he suggested a hyste.roscopy. And as long as I'm anesthetized, he might as well have a look around, so...lapa.roscopy. (And maybe I'll need a cyst.oscopy...)
Scheduled and everything, though C may not be able to take me, so I'll have to find alternate transport or reschedule. Because nothing is easy.
*****
My pharm shrink was out of town this week, but my gp took me off the lev. and suggested Ati.van for the depression anxiety. Yeah, well, I have a regularly scheduled appointment next week.
On Tuesday, GP took me off anti.biotics altogether, gave me pain reliever and told me to take lots of fluids. And al.eve for back and general pain, 2 every 12 hours. And call on Thursday afternoon to see if anything came from the culture. I totally forgot to call.
Oh, and he thinks that I have structural problems causing the repeated UTIs. Gave me a referral to a uro.logist. A gynecolo.gical ur.ologist. A cys.toscopy may be in my future. I still have to call.
*****
I'm exhausted. Still feeling down. Not quite as bad as before, but not good. Class today was not my greatest. My students know *some*, but in general can't apply it, especially through interpretation of text. Mid-terms have been a challenge to grade.
Lot of back pain, "flank" pain. not continuous, and the al.eve pretty much helps. I lost a few pounds between the end of last cycle and the end of this cycle. Not sure how that happened. I've been eating lots of crap, though my appetite's been lousy, so maybe not as much as I thought. Nothing tastes very good. I even went out and got ice cream, of which I've had two spoonfuls. Exhausted. Passing out on the couch after school. Just so tired.
I don't want to...I don't want to go back on a lot of drugs. I don't know what's going to happen. Part of me feels like doing the lap is a waste. Like the T.AC. Grasping at straws? Maybe. I'm so tired.
*****
Well, this was a joy to write. And read, too, I'm sure.
Situation? Normal.
Normal.
All
Fucked
Up.
*****
On Monday met with the RE. C and I were...pointy with each other, all day, on the way. Rough. Very rough all around
The RE did not have much for me. He thinks I can get pg this way. But, we are starting over, it was not cycle 11, it was cycle 2. If I want to do IVF, he says, go ahead. Do everything so we don't feel like maybe we didn't do something.
Reviewed general stuff, asked about meds (brav.elle vs. foll), taking the mac.robid during the 2ww. Answering questions. My periods have not been normal, so he suggested a hyste.roscopy. And as long as I'm anesthetized, he might as well have a look around, so...lapa.roscopy. (And maybe I'll need a cyst.oscopy...)
Scheduled and everything, though C may not be able to take me, so I'll have to find alternate transport or reschedule. Because nothing is easy.
*****
My pharm shrink was out of town this week, but my gp took me off the lev. and suggested Ati.van for the depression anxiety. Yeah, well, I have a regularly scheduled appointment next week.
On Tuesday, GP took me off anti.biotics altogether, gave me pain reliever and told me to take lots of fluids. And al.eve for back and general pain, 2 every 12 hours. And call on Thursday afternoon to see if anything came from the culture. I totally forgot to call.
Oh, and he thinks that I have structural problems causing the repeated UTIs. Gave me a referral to a uro.logist. A gynecolo.gical ur.ologist. A cys.toscopy may be in my future. I still have to call.
*****
I'm exhausted. Still feeling down. Not quite as bad as before, but not good. Class today was not my greatest. My students know *some*, but in general can't apply it, especially through interpretation of text. Mid-terms have been a challenge to grade.
Lot of back pain, "flank" pain. not continuous, and the al.eve pretty much helps. I lost a few pounds between the end of last cycle and the end of this cycle. Not sure how that happened. I've been eating lots of crap, though my appetite's been lousy, so maybe not as much as I thought. Nothing tastes very good. I even went out and got ice cream, of which I've had two spoonfuls. Exhausted. Passing out on the couch after school. Just so tired.
I don't want to...I don't want to go back on a lot of drugs. I don't know what's going to happen. Part of me feels like doing the lap is a waste. Like the T.AC. Grasping at straws? Maybe. I'm so tired.
*****
Well, this was a joy to write. And read, too, I'm sure.
Situation? Normal.
Just the way you are...
I'd like to thank you for being there for me -- in the good times and in bad, in all my grouchiness, so in honor of Ses.ame Street's 40th anniversary, I hope you enjoy this rendition of one of my favorite songs.
Love ya.
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