Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sitting Here

Sitting here, on my bed. Dog quiet at my elbow.

And I have this growing sense of...

Anxiety.

Dread.

Tears. Those are actually here.

*****
I was just looking at pictures on FB, of JK and her beautiful, beautiful family: the one she has created with her husband (with years of heartache and teams of doctors).

And her father, the one who died on Christmas Day -- that Christmas Day -- is all over them, these pictures.

I don't even see direct resemblance. But I can't shake that feeling. He's just there.

I'm crying.

*****
Something hurts. Or feels familiar.

Or both.

*****
I'm not even sad about this cycle, as doomed as it appears. I mean, I'm sad. I'm disappointed. It's just...I don't know.

I'm matter-of-fact about it, somehow. (I keep almost typing "somewho.")

Almost too much to hope for, maybe. That this round of trying again would actually result in a pregnancy. Or, dare I say it, a living baby. In the first cycle or two? Please.

What was I thinking?

That we could try this again? We could do this? We've come far enough that somehow our effort, our pain, our growth would be rewarded...somehow? Oh, my magical thinking skills are honed, aren't they?

I keep forgetting. The universe is not a just place. It is not about "earn" or "deserve." It is just the universe.

*****
"Who said the world's supposed to work?" -- House, House, MD, Instant Karma, Epis.ode 119

11 comments:

Once A Mother said...

I wish it WAS about "earn" or "deserve" though, then at least I could make some sense of things... I am so sorry. Sending you prayers friend. I understand...

Beruriah said...

Damn it I'm sorry. I wish there was some order or reason to all of this. You & C certainly deserve to have all of your dreams and plans for your family come true. I'm sorry hope is so damn impotent.

Tash said...

Yeah, I hate using words like "fair" when it comes to this shit, because to me that implies some sort of entity sitting in judgment and making decisions and I just don't buy that. Also makes us dump a load of guilt on ourselves when things don't pan out ("What did I do NOT to deserve that?!"), which I don't really condone either. I prefer to go with shitass luck, which is crappy and irrational and impossible to predict. Not that it makes me feel any better, really, but it alleviates some guilt I suppose.

We're all here with you. No matter how long it takes.

Julia said...

That was a good episode. Except that in the end the dad is left thinking that it worked. Though I am not sure what he is going to do about that? Live in poverty deliberately or proceed to build another fortune?

I am sorry this is all so hard. I wish it wasn't. Even as I know that my wishing does exactly no good.

G$ said...

Fucking fuckers, where's the free fucking passes???

erica said...

I just wish this weren't so hard.

Astrid said...

Beautiful post.

"Something hurts. Or feels familiar."

I completely understood this. Amazing how you captured that feeling in words.

I too love House. Thanks for the sorrowful but honest and real words.

Betty M said...

I wish things were different.

Heather said...

Thinking of you. "Unfair" doesn't do it justice.

CLC said...

I'm sorry.

loribeth said...

I know that most of us KNOW that life isn't fair. But... it's NOT fair!!

Damnit.