How do you do it? How do you reconcile career and family/reproduction/IF/loss?
How's that for complicated?
I am so distracted by all this that I can not seem to care very much about what it is that I'm doing here, in the academy.
I don't have my degree yet. After this semester, I have one more class, then comps, then dissertation.
Is it that it's so hard to decide on something? Is it that I've been away from it, mentally, for too long? I know I still care. But the idea of nailing down my focus, my direction, my energy is daunting. It makes me anxious. I avoid it.
I enjoy teaching, when I can focus enough to prepare a good lesson. My topic is important to me.
Is it just that I feel powerless?
Certainly, I feel the pressure of time on my body, more than my degree. Not that there isn't time pressure for the degree, but my body is more finite.
In "check in" for my qualitative research class a couple of weeks ago, I talked about how I'm sort of in the process of paradigmatic shifts, both in terms of my professional and personal life. This was the day of the negative beta (the first one) and I was (and still am) getting my head around the idea of adoption, that I really do want to parent a child or two.
I am not researching the topic I was interested in two years ago, not exploring my options, I'm just sitting around saying, "I have no idea what I'm doing here." This makes it really hard to invest in and engage in all the work I need to do to get through this semester. Wah wah wah.
What do I care about?
Maybe the question is, what is most pressing? Or, What do I want more than anything?
Or maybe it's not. C is worried that I'm going to sabotage myself by obsessing over babies and closing out all other parts of my life. My reflex is to say, No! Of course, I'm not doing that!
But I wonder if I am, kind of. But then I think, *this* is what I want. It is not all I am, but... I don't know. Is it sexist to say that it's this primal thing? Is it accurate? I don't know.
I need to move forward, with my life, my career, my studies. But I don't want to let this go, either.
And I resent the hell out of that. Haven't we had to let go of enough?
C says that any pregnancy we happen to find ourselves with is a bonus. At this point, he seems to have given up on the expectation of biological children. That's fine, I guess.
I'm not ready to close that door. But I don't know how to integrate it into my life. Now, or in the future.