Monday, October 5, 2009

Day 4

Yes, cycle day 4. On Thursday I got diagnosed with a kidney infection and Friday I got AF.

Couldn't get in to see the RE this weekend, so they had me start stims last night. Baseline ultrasound this morning. A little cyst on one ovary, no biggie. But the lining...Hmmm. Looks thick.

He asks me about my period. Hmm. Let's do a pregnancy test. Just to be sure. Okay, we'll call you!

Great. Four hours to do mental and emotional gymnastics. Therapy. Get the call. Take the dog to the vet (she's fine).

On the way home from therapy, I ran into ta.rget and bought some more hpts. Yes, goddammit, I did. I figured, instead of waiting and imagining, I could at least know which direction things were headed. Late implanter? Another chemical? A fool's errand? Yeah, that's it.

The CBE dig said "Not" and 10 minutes later, the nurse called and said the same thing. I asked what was going on, then, and she said that my P4 was slightly elevated, but nothing to be concerned about. I can continue stims.

Awesome. I love my body. No, wait, let me correct that. I love my body, freak of nature that it is.

I'm so tired of this. Up and down. Up and down. And I'm only 4 days into my 2nd cycle. Still thinking about and talking about and researching about adoption. It's still a tough paradigm shift for me. It feels huge. Hard to have a foot in both camps.

A friend of mine observed that she took 9 cycles to conceive her first child, after I noted that it was the 9th cycle in which we conceived the boys. And cycle 10 was a bust. Of course, she said, it didn't cost us what it cost you. It was an odd moment. Not sure what I think about it. But I think about it.

*****

I think I need to be writing more. More about this stuff, more about school and life stuff. I feel like I have a lot to process, and I'm just not doing it. Kind of lost at school -- going to class and participating, but not...feeling it. Not engaging. Thinking about baby stuff. Hope. Loss. Pain. Possibility.

Now it's time to go to class and try to learn how to be a transformative leader. Wish me luck.

How was your Monday?

4 comments:

Aunt Becky said...

*sighs* Just *sighs*

I'm just *sighs*

Michele said...

Damn...

Sending hugs... Hoping for cycle 11...

Beruriah said...

So did you become a transformative leader yesterday?

I'm sorry this cycle didn't work, and I really hope the next one will. This sucks.

Tash said...

It's the endless sea of what could be that always disturbed me -- I always set and end point (knowing full well that I'd probably change my mind and give myself an extension once I got there) just so there'd be a place where I could collect my thoughts and my breath. But it was hard to set that point knowing I might actually get there.

Hang tough. I'm sorry they put you through that bullshit of testing again. Seems like completely unnecessary stress.