I never gained weight with my pg (in fact I lost some) because I was so sick. In the 2 weeks between delivery and my post partum appt, I was down almost 20 lbs off my pre-pregnancy weight. My regular clothes hung off me. I couldn't eat. And then I could.
Sugary drinks. M&Ms. Lots of M&Ms. And oreos. The belly is rounder. Things are fitting better, or the way they did before pg. And I hate it. It was almost like my pale skin and sickly skinny frame represented what was left of me after this loss. So people could see I was changed, damaged, grieving.
In Judaism, after a loss, the mourners wear a ribbon with a tear in it for a month, which can be representative of keriyah or the tearing of clothing before a funeral. One of the things I like about my religion/culture (at least among my cohort of reformed Jews) is that there are often many interpretations of the meaning of different rituals. I think the tearing represents the pain of grief, the idea that we will never be the same because of our loss. The idea of the torn clothing is evocative for me. You can patch or sew a tear, but the cloth will never be the same.
Looking back, I realize that during that first month or so I often wore a pair of ripped, worn out jeans, that didn't fit right. I didn't care. And I liked looking sickly. Look how different I am. Look at what this has done to me. I am not the same person. Part of me is gone now.