Tuesday, March 4, 2008


Why do I do this to myself?

I'm flipping channels between some stupid cop show and the new show, De.liv.er Me on some health channel. The doctors, three women, were just talking about how hard it is to deliver the news that a patient is losing her baby and getting teary about it. Where were these doctors when i was losing mine? It was the nurses who were really sensitive, not really the doctors. Is it wrong for me to be mad that they're showing how hard it is for the doctors to give this news? What about the patients? What about showing them with the patients maybe supporting them? Not very good tv, I would think.

They have some woman having a c-section because of pre.eclampsia, saying her baby is very premature, would be very tiny at 32 weeks. Ha. No, I know this is very premature and that many babies born at that point don't make it. I do. I just think about how the neonatologist at the hospital told me we would be in good shape if I could get to 28 weeks, that is, if Jacob's lungs would develop in almost no fluid and he wasn't very physically handicapped from having no room/fluid to practice moving in.

I know how hard it is to have a pregnancy loss -- I've had them both very early and halfway through. I don't know how hard it is to lose a baby at 8 or 10 or 12 weeks. I don't know what it's like to have a baby in the nicu because the baby is 4 or 8 weeks premature. (One of my nieces was 4 weeks early because my SIL was developing pre-e. and though they were far away, it was clearly very difficult, very scary. They are both okay now.) Is it horrible that event hough I know it's so painful for them, that I think, "oh please, that's not so bad"? "At least your baby is mostly healthy and alive"? There are other horrible things I can't even articulate. God, I'm a terrible person.

Got home about an hour ago from two hours with my husband and the grief counselor, J, at the local hospital for "support group," which wound up being just the three of us. She is wonderful, and tells us we're doing great for where we are. Very nice to hear, but I don't know if I entirely believe it.


c. said...

I torture myself, too, but my tool of choice is usually Brin.ging Hom.e Bab.y on T.LC.

And I'd tell you that you're not terrible...but you'd likely not believe me. I'll say it anyway though: You're not terrible. You're simply human.

CLC said...

I have been known to torture myself too. It's sick, but sometimes I just can't help myself.

Like how your therapist gave you a "progress report". My husband always asks me what the therapist said in regard to "where I am". I always laugh at him, and remind him you don't get good grades in grieving. I think he would love your therapist.

Antigone said...

I've had some women try to relate to me. They tell me about their miscarriage at 5 weeks and then about their three healthy children. "Don't worry, you'll be like me." Umm...no. I'm not and never will be. Thanks for trying though.