If I were a dog, I'd be doing circles trying to get comfortable, trying to settle, then getting up and circling again.
After my orthopedic appointment today, I went down to a nearby mall to get some stuff for my cats at the vitamin place. Went to Pe.tsm.art for cat food. And spent probably half an hour in Bord.ers. I wanted to get some cds, maybe an easy book to read, since I'm on spring break. I should be correcting papers, doing work, catching up on leftovers from when I was sick from last semester, but let's be realistic, shall we?
I picked three cds, two of which I wore out on cassette in my twenties and a "retrospective" from a band I started listening to in college and still favored 10 years ago. These album strike chords for me that, what? They satisfy my auditory cravings for harmony, for lyrics that...I don't know, make sense in some way. The sounds resonate. Reassure. Guess I'm trying to go back in time. Finding something I know is soothing. Actually, no, it's not that they were particularly soothing, I think it's more that I listened to them when I was finding myself, figuring myself out. Or trying to. These are artists I listened to before I figured out who I was, what I wanted, and how I wanted to live.
Maybe that's what I'm doing now. Trying to figure out who the hell I am now. I keep saying it, here and in my head, I can't believe this is my life now. I know I won't have this heart ripping pain every day. But. I'm materially changed. I was saying to C last night that it feels like my life, the path I was on, has veered off in some direction I never anticipated it would go.
Maybe it will head back in the general direction I had intended: family, friends, career. They all have these big "IFs" attached (no pun intended). If we can have more children -- and if they live. If I can find a way to relate to those I love again. If I can find the excitement I used to get out of my field of research. If I can do my part (if we can both) maintain the amazing relationship my husband and I have built since we met almost 10 years ago.
Everyone says, don't worry, it will suck for a long time, but it will come back. But I won't. The old me is gone. I've read these words written by so many strong women who have struggled to get through similar circumstance. But I don't feel strong. I was just getting my feet under me when the world came crashing down. I don't know if they're ever going to work again. I don't know if I'll ever find me again. It took me so long to get the old me figured out. How will I figure out the new me? What will she be like? I don't even think I want to be her.