I think I have to stop talking to my sister.
I stupidly asked her how she was feeling or what she was eating or something. And she told me, and I don't know what I asked, but she started to gush (verbally, as opposed to what I did) -- about how excited her husband is, and how she's been telling people because it's getting hard to hide it (at 11 wks), and she's got the NT next week which will be her first appointment with the OB, as opposed to the RE.
And you know, I asked for it. I asked her questions. I found myself asking questions and I just couldn't stop myself. I heard myself asking questions. And she sounds so happy. SO happy. I remember that. The cautious optimism. She's eating, and showing, and planning. Cautiously, but less than before. I can hear it in her voice. She's getting excited. I almost said something about how it's good she's told people, because if something goes wrong at this point, she'll need the support. It just sort of popped into my head, but I didn't want to spoil her fun. She knows that anything could happen. Though, the doctor had said, go ahead and tell people, the risks of loss now are pretty low, it's safe. This reassured her husband, especially. Safe. Will we ever feel safe again?
I find myself doubting almost everyone, full of hate. Worrying that the worst will happen, not just to me, but to people I love.
Initially, it wasn't so bad talking about her pregnancy, but it's getting more and more difficult with each milestone. Thinking about our NT scan and how that's when C really started to get excited. She's showing. Exactly two months from today, on or around the boys' due date, she'll be where I was when my water broke. Except she'll be big and glowing with a healthy pregnancy. I'll have nothing to relate to her about, at least in regards to pregnancy. I could just not ask her about it. But how could I not?
One of my very close local friends is about 19 weeks now, I think, with her second. We're supposed to get together at some point this week, but I'm already getting anxious about it because she'll be so clearly pregnant. How am I even going to be able to look at her? After I lost the boys, we talked about things, and she asked if it was going to be hard for me to spend time with her since she was pregnant. I told her that probably when she was showing, we would have to revisit the issue, that that would likely be very difficult for me.
It is, but not in the way that I anticipated. Seeing big round bellies on strangers is hard. Seeing them on people I love... people for whom I wish only happiness? How can I say, "No, I can't see you, I can't talk to you." These women understand. They know that it's a way to protect myself from further... I don't even know. But they wouldn't hold it against me. And I am so lucky in this way. And yet.
It's another loss. And I am further isolated.
How do you deal? How do you face -- or not face -- those who are living the dream you lost? Is that melodramatic? Screw it, I'll be melodramatic. How do you face pregnancy all around you, especially close friends/sisters/sisters-in-law, those relationships you've come to depend upon? I know that some have essentially lost family members who don't understand or can't relate or underestimate the magnitude of the loss we've suffered. How do you manage? How do you deal with the fact that they just don't get it? (How can they not get it? I hate people.)