(This may wind up being two posts, but I wanted to get some ideas down.)
WARNING: EXTREMELY WHINY POST AHEAD. READ WITH GRAIN OF SALT.
Often in the land of infertility...No, let me start again.
I can only speak for myself. While I know *rationally* that there is no zero-sum game (gain?) in baby making and childbearing, as an infertile woman, sometimes it feels like it. For me. When I hear that someone else is pregnant (or pregnant again), for some reason, it feels like "well, there goes my chance" along with "why couldn't it be me this time?" Like there are only so many pregnancies that can exist, so many live babies born at any given time, so if someone wins (BFP!) then someone else has to lose (BFN). I know (hope) that this is not the case, but I think the feeling is, for me, what leads to so much envy and resentment towards fertile women. Even as I write this, I think, Jeezus! Way to be neurotic.
When I got pregnant, I slowly shifted from reading infertility blogs to reading blogs of infertile women who succeeded in becoming pregnant and/or parenting living children. When I lost the boys, obviously, the pregnant/parenting blogs were too painful to read, so I went back to some of the infertility blogs I had been following. But a number of them had gotten pregnant in December and January, as I was losing my babies, they were discovering that they were pregnant. (Of *course* they were.) I just came across another yesterday who got her bfp 2 days after my water broke. There were maybe 3 or 4 of them at once, so obviously, my zero-sum thing doesn't work out, but god, those first few really felt like it.
And then my sister, with her twins. And my husband's adviser at school announced her pregnancy -- she's about a month or 6 weeks behind where we were. So I guess the zero-sum doesn't work, but my sick paranoid brain feels like it does. I know, there are pregnant women everywhere, and because I'm not anymore they seem more obvious.
And of the 4 women in my department who were pregnant, I was the one who lost my babies. How is it that I seem to beat the odds? Twins. All of our IF diagnoses. Recurrent losses. Spontaneous rupture of membranes and fetal demise. Loss of both twins after heartbeat, after normal amnio, but before viability. (Not to mention being left-handed, blue in a red state, a woman in a phd program, and losing my mom to a cancer so rare that Sl.oan Ke.ttering sees only 50 cases a year).
Waah, waah waah.
Okay, now I'm just whining. I'm sorry. I just feel like I keep falling on the wrong side of all of these statistics. Oh, and I slipped on the ice 2 weeks ago on my way to go teach my class (Mine was the only school open in the universe on this day) and broke a bone in my elbow.
One of my classmates jokes that I should go buy a lottery ticket, because my luck has to change at some point soon. Maybe he's right. I could probably win. Just look at the odds.
Do you ever feel like the deck is stacked against you? Or is it just the randomness of the universe? How do you deal when it feels like you have a great big bullseye on your head?