Friday, March 7, 2008

Did you get the memo?

Over the last week or two, I've run into a few people at school who didn't know what happened. People I thought would have been included on the emails that went around, or would have been in on the gossip/small talk about me. Or even on the logistics we had to deal with at the beginning of the semester (since I was no longer pregnant, I no longer needed a co-teacher in case of bed rest, so my co-teacher could go take over for the other pregnant lady who did need to go on bed rest. I'd be okay to teach on my own, right? We'll support you, it will be okay, right?).

So over the last couple of weeks, I've run into people who have mentioned the babies, my babies, like they were still inside me. And I say with disbelief, "My babies? They're gone. My babies are gone -- you didn't get the email? No one told you?" In one case, i could change the subject quickly, in another, I gave her the cliff note's version. Maybe it's the surprise, I don't know, but somehow I get through telling them like I'm fine. Even in the short-term aftermath, I'm fine. It's just in my car or at home in my bed that the tears come hard. The punch in the gut.

I assumed there would be a little bit of gossip, but not as much as I thought, I guess. Of course, there are a lot of men in the department -- maybe they just don't talk about stuff like that, not at school, anyway. Or maybe I got "lucky" to associate with people who don't gossip much. Strangely respectful.


Antigone said...

I told one friend, hoping he'd tell the rest of our circle what had happened. I should have been more explicit. He didn't seem to understand his duty and kept his mouth shut. Its frustrating when people don't gossip the one time you need them to.

luna said...

I hated going back to work after. I thought it would be a distraction from the sadness at home, but of course the sadness was inside too. and it was so awkward dealing with people who didn't know what to say. the best comfort I got was just a gentle hug from our front desk woman, which made me cry, and a lone woman in the ladies room who just said I'm sorry I don't know what to say. everyone else either asked too many questions or ignored the subject entirely. I was relieved to encounter people wh onever knew to begin with.

I'm sorry this is so hard. ~luna