Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I'm just doing this all wrong

Or rather...

I'm doing everything wrong. I can't do anything.

I'm ruining my career. I'm isolating myself from my friends, my family. Everyone who loves me. My 90-year old grandmother who has finally gotten the hint that I can't talk to her every day. It's been days since we spoke and she just wants to hear that I'm okay. I feel like I'm failing everyone. And they would say, no, of course you're not. But I am. I am.

I'm hiding away in our bedroom with the cats and the tv and my computer. Searching, searching for something to focus on, something that makes sense.

I used to like to leave the house. Now it's an effort just to go to the market. Too many choices. Too many people. Too many babies. Too many pregnant women on magazine covers.

I had about 20 minutes today where I felt okay, then I realized it and it all went to hell. Actually that happened twice today, so I guess that's progress, huh?

But now I can't sleep and I want to cry out loud. And I'm so tired of waking C up with my sobbing. I'm just so tired of all this.


Carrie said...

You're grieving Sweetie, it is horrible and awful and you might feel like you are going quite mad. You're grieving, grieving is ugly, it isn't easy to understand at the time, it isn't rational or easy to lock away for a while. It is horrible because what has happened is horrible.
Be more gentle on yourself, please. You are reacting in a way that is upsetting you but you not failing anyone. Let others look after you. We're here to listen x

G said...

Isolation, it sucks but it helps. At least, for me. I isolated myself so much and now, 4 months later I am tiptoeing back out. Anxiety towards leaving the house, even to go get staples, it's all "normal." It sucks, all of it, but if I can offer any consolation, it's that you aren't alone in this.


meg said...

G is right, you are so not alone in all this. What you have described, is exactly how I have been...and I know I am not the only one.

You just have to do, what you have to do. All of us are here to listen. Email me, if you want. Anytime.

Tash said...

I hate to tell you this, but this is totally normal (well, you know, new normal). Like Carrie said this is it: this is grief. I didn't leave my house, speak to anyone, answer the phone, write an email for 2.5 months. That includes my family (mom, dad). Going to the store crushed me. Walking the dog gave me a coronary. I lay in bed, a lot.

You're doing it right, believe me. It's just really, really hard. Know that we're here if you want to "talk" to someone from the dark of your room. Email's on my profile page.

STE said...

Thank you for your comments. I feel like I got blindsided with this again. I thought I was doing a little bit better. Maybe I was just numb. It hurts like it did three months ago. Didn't I just say I thought that raw stuff had mellowed a little to the stinging, gnawing pain? Dammit. My therapist gave me a referral for an psychiatrist to update my Rx. I could barely speak without crying today.

And I had forgotten that it was 3 months ago today that my water broke.

Thanks again.

Antigone said...

It's been just over two months for me. I thought I was doing well for awhile, that I was kicking grief's butt and then I fell backward and into a nice deep pit of despair. I washed my hair last night and today I put on clean clothes and actually went in to the office: major feats for me. Most days are spent unshowered with blinds drawn.

From what I've read within our online community here, functioning gets easier. That's the hope I'm holding onto because I can't spend another 60 years like this.

c. said...

Oh, STE. I agree with the others, this is grief. I've been there, too. Feeling as you felt last night. Searching for something more than this. I still don't talk to a lot of people. I don't answer my phone. I just don't care. I mean, I care but I don't.

This new me is definitely not the person she was before. I don't know if I'll ever be. And that is just the way it will be. Thinking of you. XO.

CLC said...

I felt like this a few weeks ago. Maybe it's the three month mark. It's horrible, and it takes all of your energy just to get out of bed, but hopefully you will begin to have more of those moments where you forget about it for a minute or two. I think avoidance of people and activities is normal. It's called self-preservation.

Janis said...

((hugs)) to you, there is no "right" way to grieve. And it is normal to want to isolate. there are tribal societies where the bereaved live in a special space and have crying "circles". Our society does not allow for grieving, they hurry people up to "get it over" with and be "normal" again. Healing thoughts to you...

Ann said...

I know what it's like to want to isolate yourself. It sucks, because you feel like you should be getting better. I didn't even have much to say to my best friend--my mom.

I know it doesn't help to hear this, but what you're going through is completely normal.

jaykay said...

A wise friend of mine told me, not so long ago, that I had to be gentle with myself during my time of grief. That there was no right way, no wrong way.

She was so right. Remember?

You're doing more than you give yourself credit for. Having the courage to share your story, being there for your friends (which amazes and humbles me) - hell, just getting out of bed in the morning. Feats, all of them.

Whatever you're doing is what's right for you. That's the only thing that matters.

You are my dearest friend, and I your shiksa sister. Like everyone who loves you, I only want you to do whatever gets you through the day.

Please be gentle with yourself - this is very fresh. I don't know as it will ever be "easy" but I pray that it won't always be this difficult for you.

Remember to breathe... sometimes it's all you can do...