Yesterday was a bad day

So, in fact was the one before it.

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Thank you for your responses to my last few posts. Just some things rolling around in my head. I wasn't going to do a thanksgiving type post, because, honestly, there's not a lot I feel thankful for. This is not the holiday it's supposed to be and (despite some assistance from meds and the doggie), I really am struggling to feel positive about anything. My "up", really is just not worrying about *something* or bitching at C.

So, when I was thinking to myself, "everything sucks," and "I don't have anything good," and the holidays are all consumerised and if I hear the word Christmas associated with the phrase "give them what they really want this year" I was about to lose it.

I tried to distract myself with grading the dreaded student papers, but couldn't get beyond the (very generous) APA style check because at least a half a dozen of them were so egregious (just follow the sample, people!), even C was kind of cowering at my ranting. So much for that.

So we took the dog for her evening walk, and she did a good job, and the air was not bitterly cold the way it has been, and we all came back feeling a little better. Until the dog tried to chase one of the cats and there was some drama, but everyone came out unscathed.

And the adrenaline or endorphins or whatever they were kicked in and it occurred to me that, okay, I don't have my sons, I do have a safe home a good relationship, and wild kingdom in my living room. Friends and family who love me.

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A few years ago Jim Ca.rrey and Kate Win.slet starred in a small film in which, for a fee, one could have entire memories of a relationship completely erased from one's mind. Just gone. No pain, no muss, no fuss. Wake up, and the relationship is gone. In recent weeks, I've had the, well, almost the wish to just remove Septe.mber to Januar.y (maybe even today) from my mind. Just go in and scoop it out. All the nausea and puking, hospital stays, exhaustion, worries, pain, loss, grief... you get the idea. Just erase it. Take it out. I'm tired of feeling all this, it hurts too much, it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere (I know my shrink would disagree), because honestly, I just want to feel okay again. I had been on my way to feeling okay, achieving some goals, coming into my own.

And then I got pregnant. Very pregnant. And I was sick, and lost them and all that pain and so much of it was just so terribly hard. How nice it would be to go on with my life as if nothing at all happened.

But I know. I know that in between the puking and the doctor visits and worry, and all of that, I was just so happy. After we saw the heartbeats, I knew we were in it for the long haul. Even though I had puked three times already that day and just wanted something to stop the nausea, I knew that we would be part of the 85% that made it. I loved them already. I didn't even know it yet.

And yes, I felt special because I was going through something difficult for something good, and I was making jokes, too. When I was losing weight and crying because I just wanted to eat something and enjoy it without throwing it up, I loved them already.

And when I felt something lurch in my belly, and put my hand there, and something, someone pushed back...I loved them already, at 17 weeks.

I was happy. I had no idea how happy. And it wasn't until that morning, Christmas morning at 10, when I leaked all over my pajama and the bathroom floor and knew something was horribly wrong... it wasn't until then that I knew how happy I was, and I knew how much I loved them.

So that whole, scooping out chunks of my memory, could I do that without losing those good parts? In the movie, it's all or nothing. I really don't want to lose that love, that joy. I fear, though that I've already lost it, it's so far away.

I can't have my boys, but I'm so very thankful that I got to love them.