Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Pissed off

This is nothing but bitching. Feel free to ignore.

*****

Woke up this morning to a very contrite looking beagle and a small circle pee on the carpet of the rental. Maybe we should be some nature's miracle in the family size. Stella's been hard to walk lately, I think there are new cats in the neighborhood, possibly in heat distracting her to no end. I got one of those gentle harnesses, but even considering I'm almost ABD, I still can quite figure out how to get it on her right. C took her out a little early last night and only briefly, so that's all I can figure to explain the first accident, almost 2 weeks in. She's also started to chew at paper, and this morning I pulled one of my bras out of her mouth. Honeymoon's over, I guess.

I'm in a bad mood and I think she's feeding into it so that's probably not helping.

Otherwise, things are going relatively well with the dog considering we've only had her 10 days, though I do feel like she's entirely my responsibility and and I don't really know what I'm doing, so there's that stressor that I thought I was eliminating by dropping all my classes. I am loving her though, and despite the stress, she is such a love that it does fill just a little piece of a piece of my heart.

*****

My cousin who announced her pregnancy before the pee stick was dry posted a gorgeous ultrasound on facebook with "It's a boy!" as a title. This is their third. Due late April, early May (right around all our missed anniversaries -- mom's death, A's loss, the boys' due date). Happy as can be. And why shouldn't she be.

*****

My sister seems to continue to be pregnant, and despite my wishes to try to support her, she has dismissed me as too fucked up (my words, not hers) and she is clearly struggling herself. Freaking the fuck out. Should she get that far, she will have an abd cercla.ge in December and is due mid-July (right before my birthday), but will probably be sectioned early because of the cercla.ge.

*****

Was almost 10 minutes late for my appointment with Dr. Shrink yesterday and, despite my slightly improved state of mind, cried my way through it. He's doubling my dose.

He also wrote a letter to the local common pleas court excusing me from grand jury duty the first second and third week of the first second and third month of the year, as it would exacerbate my condition. Also starts the day after the anniversary of Joshua's delivery. Yes, I am all fucked up. A freak. Ill. Broken. Disabled.

*****

After expressing my concern about next semester, Dr. Shrink said to take as light a teaching load as possible and to enroll in courses I could easily pull out of if I needed to.

My student's latest papers have been sitting on my shelf for over a week because I just can't seem to bear to look at them. Some of them will fine, some will be good, and a bunch will be pretty fucking bad.

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Last week getting ready to go teach my way to class, I started to throw up, just the way I did the first time when I was pregnant. I only made it to the kitchen sink and proceeded to puke my guts out, which was saying something since all I had to eat was coffee and a cookie. I threw up so hard I couldn't breathe.

*****

Told B about my blog and gave her links to posts that reference her and K. They still wait for a heart, which means waiting for someone to die in an accident this holiday season. She has only been supportive of me, but I do fear that I will freak her out with some of what's on here. She has told me not to worry, but that's what i do. I worry.

My other cousin's wife is in hospice now and has given the family permission to "know" about it. They are very private, but are willing to share this at least. They are in Texas. Her breast cancer has moved to her brain and she doesn't have much time left at all.

*****

Anniversaries abound: Thanksgiving, more hospital visits, delayed test results, a month until Christmas. 10 days of trauma. And they are gone a year.

9 comments:

Busted said...

Just wanted to let you know I've been reading and thinking of you, even if not commenting much. It really sounds like you are just carrying far more of an emotional burden than anyone should have to. I'm so sorry.

Ya Chun said...

We have a dog and a cat that we lovingly refer to as the 'pests' because sometimes they just pester us and make work for us. But we luv em anyways, 'cause they love us unconditionally.

I am especially loving them now because they just had baths and don't stink... it's the little things that make all the difference.

breathe...

Newt said...

Wow, that's a lot of suck you're surrounded by. I can't even imagine how hard it is to stare down that anniversary, but I'm here to support you however I can.

I wish there were a holiday that let people sit around and talk about things that suck, instead of forcing us all to be thankful and shit. Instead of turkey we could have...I don't know, vodka. Chocolate. Lithium. We should keep the pie, though.

My heart goes out to B and K and your cousin. I hope they all get their miracles.

beth said...

just wanted to let you know that i'm reading, and thinking of you. and oh my god, i love Newt's vodka holiday idea. with pie, even. best idea i've heard in a while.
mostly, just wanted to say that i am yet another person out here reading and thinking of you with love and wishing i could take away some of the crap on your plate. life is just too freakin' hard sometimes. but you are doing it, Sue. I swear, you are, and it is an amazing thing. all of us together, one foot at a time, one step at a time. forward.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Just wanted to say hello, still reading, pissed off or not.

All the best in the coming days & weeks.

Tash said...

Your blog, bitch moan and cry all you want. We read, we commiserate, we comment. How it goes.

re: Dog: Have you thought about crate training for 6 months or so? Ok to do while intro'ing a dog to your house. If you need some lit and guidance, I have it, and am happy to email. Let me know.

re: cousin and sis: bleh.

re: shrink: I used to think I was doing so well, would sit down on the couch, and suddenly the flood gates would open. She once pointed out that this isn't unusual -- to just cry in her office -- that it's just the act of being in that space that makes one free to emote. I wouldn't worry about it.

re: Jury Duty: need to remember that.

re: the rest of it: tiny bites. Little steps. Small, small goals. You will do it, and we're all here with you.

Carrie said...

That's a lot to cope with. An awful lot.
Wish it could be a bit easier.
Hope the doggy problem was just a one off.
Take care x

c. said...

A year. I can hardly believe it.

And Tash is right: We are all here with you. XO.

luna said...

that is so much for anyone to deal with, especially this time of year. you are not alone though, sue. we've all got your back.