Sunday, November 23, 2008

And back again

(I've mentioned that I hate roller coasters, right?)

Chromoso.mally Normal XY x 2

That's what the peri said, after I made phone call after call to get the results of our amnio, done on 11/27, or a year ago this coming Tuesday. 15 weeks and 3 days according to my calendar (15 and 1 according to them).

Oh, they told you it was 2 chromos.omally normal boys, right? he said.

And then C walked around, the widest smile I have ever seen, saying "BOYS!" and really began to imagine our new life. We were careful, we knew that things could happen in utero, that anything could happen, but "chromosomally" normal -- our chance for our babies was good. Clerical errors delayed our receiving these results, so we had 10 or 12 days of "Boys!" and imagining our life. Before it all went bad.

I couldn't eat much on Thanksgiving. I spent it on the couch, trying to sip diet coke and not be queasy. C cooked a beautiful meal, and I ate as much as I could, but the next day I was at the local hosp for dehydration again.

Right now every other word on TV and out there in the world is "Christmas." I just don't know how I'm going to get through it.

Yes, things are marginally better. I leave the house. I focus on dear four-legged creatures who shower me with love. Sweet Stella snores on her pillow in the corner, giving me a reason to get up in the morning. There are glimpses of that with fe.athers.

Better, but not okay. I had some ideas about having a couple of dear Boston friends here for New Years, so C could go out of town to see his dear friends. But I can't seem to make the phone calls, emails. Not yet.

Dr. Shrink appointment on Tuesday. Maybe that will give me courage.

In the mean time, I don't know how I'm going to get through it.


Newt said...

Ugh, the holidays. I wish I could just fast-forward you through them, roller-coaster free. I don't know what will help--something to look forward to on the other side? Boston friends sound fun, but will you be OK with C gone?

I hope Dr. Shrink can help. Thinking of you, Sue.

Mrs. Spit said...

I know, I'm with you.

It's cold comfort, but we get through them because we have no choice, time passes whether we want it to or not.

Hang in there, you are loved.

loribeth said...

I double-checked your back story -- didn't realize you lost your boys so close to Christmas. As I told Mrs. Spit recently, there is obviously never a "good" time for this to happen, but there is a special place in my heart for those parents who endure this special kind of hell during or near the holidays. Do whatever you need to do to get through it, whether that's planning a distraction visit with friends or holing up at home with C. (((hugs)))

CLC said...

I wish I could plow through them too and just be in January already. I have thought about not decorating or shopping. But I feel like if I don't make myself this year, that I never will. But how do celebrate Christmas, etc. when you are also remembering your children's death(s) as well? I just haven't come up with an answer yet. At least people aren't overly cheery yet, I think that's when I might start punching strangers.

Heather said...

I'm with you too.

My loss wasn't close to Christmas like yours but the holiday sucks in general. It's a whole holiday about a baby, to start with, and then you put the happy people on top of it and it's enough to drive one mad.

Hubby and I made ridiculously expensive, very adult reservations for New Year's Eve and that's what I'm looking forward to. The only thing.

I'll be thinking about you as you come up on all these awful anniversaries.

Tash said...

Me either, and I don't have the -versaries to contend with like you do. Which just adds a whole other level of assiness.

Don't you wish you could get your money back on those chromosomally normal amnio results? I know I do.

Thinking of you, S. This is such a tough place to be in, reliving the moments leading up to the one year mark. It's all so vivid and horrible. Here to go through it with you, really.

Ya Chun said...

Friends sound like a good plan. Maybe you can 'purge' the house of negative energy.

As I have been telling everyone, I am just ignoring the holidays. No family in town, so why try to fake it? It's just another day on the calendar. I'm not religious, so I don't need to celebrate anyone's supposed birthday...

Anonymous said...

Ah, the holidays...... also known as the Infertile Trifecta..... I think Mel said that? Don't remember whose blog I got that from brain, you see. It goes off without me.

I think CLC has a good idea, punching overly cheery people has a certain appeal.

Take care of yourself,do whatever you need to to get through it. And hug your darling critters hard and often.

I just love the picture of Stella. She's just precious.

Thinking of you...

erica said...

I don't know either. The holidays just hurt this year, and I hate to think of all of the reminders you have to contend with.

I've considered a week-long drunken stupor from Christmas Eve to New Year's but am afraid it would worry the husband.

luna said...

it's going to be tough, no question. I hope you find ways to cope, just stay afloat, don't expect miracles. you will get through this. the edd and first anniv. are the hardest days. being around the holidays just makes it that much harder.

I never got the chromosomal tests until afterwards -- I had rejected an amnio because I was so high risk; lot of good that did me. I remember the doc calling me with the results as I was walking down a city street. normal male. it was like getting punched in the gut. I turned into an alley and bawled my eyes out until my stomach hurt...