There is nothing I want nothing that i can ever really hope to happen, to receive to wish for.
Soon the "wish lists" requests from the inlaws are going to to be flowing in, looking for titles of DVD and books and CDs and all I can think is "really?" Are you seriously asking me what present I want to open on december 25 surrounded by in laws and nieces and nephews, all of whom love me very much, but will never ever in a hundred years give me what I wish for.
Faith that things will bd better. Without huge back of pills. Without the sorry looks of colleagues and friends weho excuse my poor friendship skills, still.\
The will to get out of bed so I can accomplish somehting I care about. So I can take care of my husband. My house. My relationships.
The desire to take care of myself. The desire to eat food. food that I can actually enjoy. The way i used to. Instead of stuffing my mouth with things that used to taste good, that used to comfort.
Stability so that my husband doesn't worry when I come home late.
Two days in a row where I feel okay, like maybe I will actually get through this with my head on straight. without ruining my career or my relationships.
The ability to engage in something I love to do. Jus tfor a few hours. And without feeling like it's lost when it's over.
I want a do-over.
I want to get to feel that hope. The anticipation.
Right now, hope is wishing that I can get stable enough so that I can get off the meds so i can take the lower power meds so I can think about trying to have a living chid.
Right now, hope is thinking that by the time I'm stable my eggs will be any good any more.
Right now, hope is that thing with feathers... I can't put my fingers on it, the hope that we can try to have a child, that all this pain and heartache will be worth it in the end.
Or that we will find some peace in never having a child.
And honestly, I'm tired of writing posts like this. I want to move foreard, iwant to be better. I just can't see it from here.
Don't worry, i'm not suicidal. I have meds, I have supports, friends, phone numbers, I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday. Sometimes, though, though the hopelessness just overwhelms me.