Sunday, November 2, 2008

Just ignore my previous post

There is nothing I want nothing that i can ever really hope to happen, to receive to wish for.

Soon the "wish lists" requests from the inlaws are going to to be flowing in, looking for titles of DVD and books and CDs and all I can think is "really?" Are you seriously asking me what present I want to open on december 25 surrounded by in laws and nieces and nephews, all of whom love me very much, but will never ever in a hundred years give me what I wish for.

Hope.

Faith that things will bd better. Without huge back of pills. Without the sorry looks of colleagues and friends weho excuse my poor friendship skills, still.\

The will to get out of bed so I can accomplish somehting I care about. So I can take care of my husband. My house. My relationships.

The desire to take care of myself. The desire to eat food. food that I can actually enjoy. The way i used to. Instead of stuffing my mouth with things that used to taste good, that used to comfort.

Stability so that my husband doesn't worry when I come home late.

Two days in a row where I feel okay, like maybe I will actually get through this with my head on straight. without ruining my career or my relationships.

The ability to engage in something I love to do. Jus tfor a few hours. And without feeling like it's lost when it's over.

I want a do-over.

I want to get to feel that hope. The anticipation.

Cautions joy.

Hope.

*****

Right now, hope is wishing that I can get stable enough so that I can get off the meds so i can take the lower power meds so I can think about trying to have a living chid.

Right now, hope is thinking that by the time I'm stable my eggs will be any good any more.

Right now, hope is that thing with feathers... I can't put my fingers on it, the hope that we can try to have a child, that all this pain and heartache will be worth it in the end.

Or that we will find some peace in never having a child.

*****

And honestly, I'm tired of writing posts like this. I want to move foreard, iwant to be better. I just can't see it from here.

Don't worry, i'm not suicidal. I have meds, I have supports, friends, phone numbers, I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday. Sometimes, though, though the hopelessness just overwhelms me.

Like today.

12 comments:

Newt said...

Oh Sue. I wish I could give you hope for the holidays. Or a hug. Or a pony.

I hope you get your appetite back, even in just a small way. Thinking of you.

Busted said...

I wish we could give you what you want. I wish your family understood everything else is meaningless. I'll read 1,000 posts like this if that's what you need to get through this.

charmedgirl said...

you are where you are. there's no way around it. i know you're tired of it, but it doesn't care! i wish i had something good to say. f*ck. infertility and dead babies just DON'T MIX.

CLC said...

I wish I could tell you when hope will come back. But it's different for all of us. Sometimes I think I have it and the next day it's gone. I still think it's too fresh to expect a large number of good days in a row..just cherish the minutes when you feel a glimmer, if at all, and keep telling yourself that tomorrow may be better.

k@lakly said...

I agree with CLC, it comes in waves and if you can, you just have to relish it while it is present. I still don't have it all the time or hell for much of the time and let me tell you, that scares the shit out of me right now...
It's all a mystery isn't it? Ugh.
xxoo

c. said...

Wishing you some semblance of hope again, Sue, that you can find the person, the place the thing that is keeping it from you right now. This is shit: How you feel, what has happened, where you're going. Everything. I just wish I had more to offer you than just I'm sorry. XO.

Ya Chun said...

I plan to tell anyone who asks that I odn't want anything and don't expect anything from me this year. I don't know if htat is a healthy way to deal with it ir not, but it's what feels right to me. AND I can't imagine being out shopping for someone.

How about things that can help you get well? yoga classes or gym membership, massage or meditation cd, supplies for hobbies to keep you busy? there are still plenty of things important to you and your road to strength.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I'm just so sorry.

I wish ever so much that there was a word or phrase I could say to change things a bit, even a little, but there isn't.

I'm sorry you have to face this, it is not fair, please be kind to yourselves.

Natalie said...

I'm sorry. I understand the loss of hope and how empty it is. It's a sickening feeling, really. Empty.

jaded said...

Sue,
Sunday was such a bad day for me too. Filled with too many negative emotions. This is a HARD fight.
I always read your blog but i never have anything to say; mostly because i feel like shit too. I don't know where i am going, except to say that i am thinking of you and I am also feeling painfully low.

Carrie said...

I am so sorry that life is just so so difficult right now.

I'm sorry it has been so difficult for so long.

I'm sorry that it won't get loads better in a short space of time.

And I'm sorry I can't say anything that actually helps.

You have every right to be angry. And then some xx

Yaya said...

:( :( :(
I understand these feelings all too well.
(((Hugs)))