Sunday, April 13, 2008

More and more and more

She said it. "I don't think you should see me."

My sister and I were talking about her trip to NY to see the family, to finally take my dad out for his birthday. We were talking about the upcoming surprise bridal shower in NY for my future SIL at the end of May. I was telling her that I was trying to decide what I should do. She was saying that she figured out that she would be able to go. But...

She said it. And it broke my heart all over again. Little tiny pieces. For so many reasons. Loss after loss after loss. And I cried, there on the phone. There was nothing to say.

So assuming she'll be allowed to travel at 21 or 22 weeks, she'll go to the shower. And I'll go to the wedding, since she won't be able to then.


I'm so tired of crying. Of wanting to cry. Of only having bad, sad things to say. Sad, pitiful posts. Sad, angry phone calls. Sad, anxious trips out into the world. I'm tired of feeling pathetic. Sad-sack. Evoking pity. Or judgment. "god, that sucks" "oh, I'm so sorry" "wow, it just keeps coming"

I don't know how to push through this. Images of mud. Of wet sand. Of heavy waves. Of walking against the wind. I'm too tired of this to compare it to something. those are just the images that come to mind. Someone's fist in my chest, keeping me from moving forward, keeping me in the same place, with the same sharp ache. Right where I live.

I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be numb. I just want to stop feeling this way. I don't want this life.


CLC said...

"I don't want this life."

That's how I feel 100% of the time. In fact, I thought this today.

I am sorry it's so hard right now for you. I wish I could tell you things get better, but I am not that far ahead of you in this, so I am not there yet. I have noticed that it's not as constant as it once was. I go longer between tears, and I can actually laugh with my husband at times. So I guess that's something. I hope tomorrow is a tiny bit better for you.

And I can't believe you have UC too. I am sorry you have to deal with that too. Having a flair certainly doesn't improve your outlook on life (I find I get more depressed when it's acting up). I hope it gets better soon.

Tash said...

I hate that we all got this life. I hate it too. I know you don't believe me (hell, I hardly believe it, really) but the fist in the chest, quicksand thing will pass, it really will. Then it will only turn up occasionally. That's where I am now. I'm assuming eventually it gets less occasional, but don't quote me.

I'm sorry about your sister. It's awful when it's right there, in your own family.

luna said...

I submitted a long comment yesterday but maybe it got lost?

I just wanted to say your pain is palpable and I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It's so hard to accept that life goes on for everyone else while we are here stuck...

tash is right though. it does change over time. that pain doesn't magically disappear, but for me the sharp pain evolved into a dull ache that is more manageable.

thinking of you. ~luna

c. said...

I don't know what to say...only that I understand and I'm sorry.

Amy said...

I'm with C., here. The same thing over and over again, but I do understand ans I am truly sorry!

I hate to say it out loud, only because it'll bite me in the does get a little lighter, a little easier so to speak, the pain isn't the fists in the chest. Somehow the fists move to the outside of the chest and beat a little lighter.

Hang in there my friend.

Julia said...

I am sorry.
I am not sure I understand, though-- shouldn't it be your decision to see or not see your sister? Is she trying to protect you or is she trying to not make it awkward for herself? Or did you tell her previously that it would be hard for you to see her pregnant? Even if that's the case, it should still be your decision. If you want to go, you should go, and she needs to do what will make you least unhappy. But maybe I am completely misreading this...
And I am still sorry it's even a question that has to be thought about.

Antigone said...

I've said those words. It's just all so unjust that other women can just get pregnant and then just expect to have a healthy baby or babies nine months later.