That should be the title of this blog. This time I'm just at a loss for words. I just...I'm just so overwhelmed by how...horrible this all is. And I want to reach out and support those who are also suffering, but I just...can't. And I hate that. I can't even put words together for more than one comment a day. And even my comments are self-centered and...I don't know. Please know I'm out there and I'm reading.
I'm so moved by the pain and guilt and anger and frustration and exhaustion and fear and, well, yes, even some of the beauty that's out there. In the 'verse. And in the verse.
Everywhere I look there are babies. Someone else in the department who gave birth in February came in for a meeting with her infant. The people across the street. Down the street. I can't get away from it.
I just sat down and sorted through all the bills from the local hospital (MHMH) and the local medical center and the radiology and the er doctors. Haven't even gotten the bills from the big city hospital (UC) yet for the initial visit and the delivery. I almost typed birth. What the hell is wrong with me. Silly me.
All the visits for fluids, the trips to the er for fluids, all the prenatal testing -- my portion, my copay is about $1500. That's not counting the day my water broke and the time spent at MHMH getting examined and "treated" and ultrasounded and screwed around with and d&c'ed. Not counting the costs at UC, it's about $11,000, before insurance. Can't wait to get the co-pay on that. And the bills from UC. And really, what's the rush. It's only been 14 weeks.
If I had decent life insurance I would say I'm better off dead, since at least my bills could get paid. As it is our student loans are as much as a cheap house out here. More than a mortgage for just one of our totals.
It looks like I'm going to do a medical withdrawal for this semester. There's just too much work to make up, too much I missed out on while I was puking and/or crying my eyes out. It doesn't look like I'll have to refund my assistantship, or my stipend or my tuition waiver. I'm more behind now. Keeping us here longer. I will probably take the summer off from school, but how am I going to bring in any money? I contacted an old employer, my supervisor for one of my assistantships to see if he had "heard of any openings" for the summer. We'll see. Right now, there are very few jobs I can see myself doing, but my old job is one. I was happy there. Happy enough. The good will and lower intensity of work would probably be good for me.
Even though I know it's probably the right thing, the withdrawal makes me feel like a failure. Something else I can't complete. Can't get through. Even though I know I can't, and for good reason. My chair asked me first about going part time in the fall, then how would it be to take the year off and then come back? Christ. Everyone had great hopes for me. I did, too. How many more people can I let down, can I prove wrong?
I have a more human post coming, less mopey. Right now I'm just wanting to curl up in a ball. But I have to go to class. So I can say I attended today. So I can cry in front of my classmates. Or maybe I'll just get that out of the way and cry now. If I show up with red eyes and pale, blotchy skin they'll be extra sweet to me. I can hide in the back.
It amazes me how much this continues to suck. It's like I'm stuck in an alternate reality, carrying this huge, sharp weight around my neck. Sometimes I forget it's there, but not for long. And the bruises it leaves, the welts, are never going to heal.