Saturday, April 5, 2008

Neither here nor there

I'm all over the freaking place lately. Up, down, left, right. I can't finish a sentence. Lose track of words. I can't compose comments for some of the really wonderful, emotional and thought-provoking posts* I've been reading. I find myself writing, re-writing and then often just deleting them because they're off track, incomprehensible or just self-centered.

I cried publicly 3 times yesterday. The first was in the doctor's office. The low dose of Z I've been taking is just not doing the trick, and after 2 weeks of prodding by my therapist, I made an appointment.

My doctor is a good guy in a local family practice. He's probably around my age, smart, maybe a little dorky (I like dorky). Was very sympathetic when I was struggling with RPL. He noted that it had been a long time since I had seen him. When I told him what happened, he was appropriately concerned, I guess. Very kind. I started to cry talking to him, but was able to pull it together. Continued to give him some info about what happened.

And in the next room, a baby started to cry. Loudly.

That was it. The tears came. For some reason, hearing that sound is even worse than seeing them. It just rips my heart out.

I know sensory input can imprint during times of stress. Smells, sounds, touch.

The hand-held doppler. Two heartbeats.
Fetal heart monitor, thumping away in the next room. Always in the next room.

The sounds of my mother's breathing on her last night. The death rattle.
The sound of the dirt hitting her coffin.

There's more, but even writing this makes me anxious and sad.

Sometimes I feel good for an hour or two. An afternoon, even. And then anxiety rises.

I am never comfortable.

I'm so tired of this.

*Among others -- there were so many I ran out of words to link to.


Stacemoe said...

Wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and continuing to pray for you....

Antigone said...

At least you can edit yourself. I hit 'Publish' even when I know it's gibberish.

I take it he increased your dose? Triggers seem to be everywhere, don't they?

c. said...

I'm not prepared to say it gets easier, ste. I will tell you the intensity of the pain and hurt and grief fades. Slightly some days. More others. It's back and forth. Back and forth. And it absolutely, positively, fucking sucks.