Saturday, April 5, 2008

Stupid Stupid Stupid

What the hell was I thinking? What the hell is wrong with me? Do I enjoy torturing myself? That must be it because I have no other explanation. Goddammit.

Did you know that g.mail saves chats? Well, I learned this a few weeks ago. I just checked my email and found myself clicking on the chats link. Oh, God, why am I such an idiot.

I don't use chat a lot, mostly just with my friend S and my brother. "Found" myself reading through the chats from November and December. It's amazing how much is documented there.

*How pukey I was.
*Talking about the NT
*When I started to show around 12 or 13 weeks.
*Talking about coming out to people, enjoying sharing the good news.
*Visits overnight in the hospital to get fluids.
*Calling Dr. Coldfish late at night because he was on call, him being kind of a jerk.
*My insurance refusing home health care for fluids.
*Waiting for the amnio results.
*S telling me she was pregnant. I was the first person she told.
*Getting excited about being pg together.
*My feeling the first undeniable movement "thump!" and realizing the week or two of flutters were really my boys moving around. That thump was 12/10/07. About 17 weeks. "Went from zero to bawling in 10 seconds flat."*Being able to eat; cereal and milk -- craving the milk, drinking it straight, which was weird because I never really liked milk.
*Noting that there seemed to be less movement, but I hadn't been feeling anything consistently, so I dismissed it.
*Spotting a little around 18 weeks.

That was the last chat with S before my water broke not quite 10 days later. It occurs to me that I noticed my belly seemed less round when my dad was here the next week.

I know, I need to let it go. Once I get started, I start to recall in detail all the things I "did wrong."

Why do I do this to myself. I was....I was going to say I was feeling better, but that's not true. Maybe I was too close to feeling okay. Reading all that brought back how happy I was -- despite the nausea and everything else -- how happy and excited I was. How hopeful and scared. And happy.

And I know I'll never feel that again. Even though I was still crossing my fingers, I felt real hope, almost confidence, that things would be okay. I'm never going to be able to trust that ever again.

I stopped. I closed the mail window. And then I felt it. I felt the panic and heartache. Goddammit.

Remembering the joy makes it hurt that much more.


Newt said...

Hey there. I don't know what to say to make it easier, but I wanted to let you know I'm reading. Sending wishes that your heart will keep healing.


Antigone said...

Every now and then I remember the moments of joy. I was so annoying. I'd walk around and ask everyone how pregnant I looked. I was so excited about my belly.

I was such an idiot, running around giddy about having to wear maternity pants, and meanwhile my child was dieing.

The joy will always be tainted.

Tash said...

Well, guess I'm slightly saved because I never talked to anyone about being pregnant because I hated being pregnant. But point is moot: not your fault. Nothing. You did nothing wrong, you missed no signs. And that actually is why I no longer have faith in anything. If it was simply something we all did that we could change, we could blame, feel guilt, and get on with it.

CLC said...

I torture myself like that too. It's hard not to want to remember everything about it, because that's the only time you had with your boys and life was good then. But it hurts that is gone, and pregnancy will never be the same again. I hope your heartache has eased a little today.

c. said...

I think it's just a natural response to this grief. I mourn the fact that I'll never be giddy and happy like that with any subsequent pregnancy. That really bothers me...for so many reasons.