TMI

Just a warning. I'll probably share more than you wanted to know. This is a long post.

Short story:
Everything is fine. My tubes are clear and there is no evidence of damage to my lining from the infection or the d&c. Hurt like a motherfucker.

Long story:
It was quite a morning, though. We got there a few minutes early, which was good, because my stomach was a mess. The UC has come back full force and I think the antibiotics have not helped things. We went in, registered, clarified confusion about my last name (maiden? married? both?) and about my first name -- there's an A at the end of my formal first name, not an E. I don't usually make a fuss, but since they wanted my last name right, I figured let's get this one right, too. Then the nurse called me Christina -- which is a lovely name, but not mine.

I get changed, lock up my stuff, the nurse takes me to the hsg room and gets my husband. I give him the key because, well, what am I going to do with it.

(Here's where some of the tmi comes in. Well, more of it.)
After my first HSG 2 years ago, and through 9 IUIs, my RE, Dr. C, started calling me the final exam. My cervix is not terribly agreeable -- it's off to my right at about 9:00 (from his pov) and there's sort of a natural diaphragm. It's kind of up against the vaginal wall. Great. Also, I tend to be, well... how to put it delicately... I usually need the narrow speculum.

For every IUI, I'd remind him I needed the narrow spec. And he'd essentially smack his forehead and say, Oh yeah, it's you again. (All done with humor, not in an asshole-y way.) When I made the appointment for the HSG, I asked the nurse to remind him that I'd need the narrow one, since this is done off-site. She said she'd tell him, but apparently, she didn't, or he forgot because he showed up with the regular one. Okay, we'll give this one a try. Maybe things stretched...

FUCK, that hurt.

And you know, I'm on that flat table in that weird position -- no stirrups, nothing to stabilize or support you. Move your legs this way, no that way. Lift up your hips. And the machine is running loud and he's practically talking into my hoo-ha and I can't hear him because all I can hear in my head is OWWW.

He tried twice and considered having me come back another day, then decided he'd take care of the next person, run back to his office (this off-site place didn't have what he needed) and we'd meet back at the hsg place in 45 minutes. C went off to the waiting room, I went back to change. Except C had the key to my little locker. With my pants in it. And my purse which had my phone in it. So I had to wait around until the nurse came back to check on me, making small talk with the next patient. Oh, that was fun, sitting around in our johnnies.

C and I went and got something to eat. I took an aleve and we came back and tried again.

That freaking hurt, too, but I was able to get through it. For some reason, my cervix was extra sensitive, and I could feel the iodine being swabbed on, I can feel the catheter thread in there. I only sort of felt the dye. And he didn't really deflate (inflate?) the balloon, or whatever that was because he just wanted to get it done quickly. Poor C, I was squeezing his hand hard.

My left tube was nice and easy, then my right filled, then we were done. Motherfucker. It was uncomfortable last time, but nothing like this. He said I was in good shape as far as my tubes and lining. We talked about the twin thing and he said maybe he'd just tweak the dose a little -- did I want to try with just one follicle? Hell, no. So we'll give it another try. At some point. He said it shouldn't take too long to get me pg, since we know what to do now (inj dose, hcg, iui, progesterone, folic acid/B vit supp, baby aspirin, glucophage, lovenox).

He wouldn't let me sit up right away, then helped me up after 5 minutes or so.

I asked him about hormone testing since it's been a couple years and he agreed. I mentioned that I had considered it for this cycle, but I didn't know what to do... And he nodded and said, I know, it's a lot. We'll do it this cycle.

Told me "no more amnios," (duh) and, I'll be in touch to check on you. Then call me on day 1 or 2 of your next cycle. He called my cell not quite an hour after we finished to see how I was doing. Good man.

Guess I should have taken an ati.van, before hand, too. So I could be more relaxed through it. Probably would have passed out though. Glad he made me lie down longer.

And I asked for a copy, thinking records, thinking about posting something. But the nurse gave me an x-ray, and I just didn't have it in me to ask for a different format. It's so weird though, I can see the bones of my pelvis, where the catheter and speculum are -- and how far off center they were. Are. I really am a bit off. Dr. C. said, I'll have to deliver your babies because, jeez, this cervix...

*****

It was weird, too, when we finally got back to the car after it was over. The sad, scared, anxious feelings came back. I can't think of the word for them. In the car on the way over we had said that it kind of felt like the first step back toward thinking about trying again. Like not even cleaning up after a storm, just shoveling out the wreckage a bit. Just the first steps toward thinking about moving forward. And I just felt...sore. Physically and emotionally.

Shaky. Scary. Sad.

I don't have any more words.