Thursday, April 17, 2008

Wake Me about Half Past May

Took some Ambien last night, earlier than usual, hoping to prevent or reduce the late evening anxiety that I can't seem to rid myself of. By 11:30 or 12, I was positively loopy. I had to work to focus my eyes on the computer screen. I had trouble walking steadily. I think I might have giggled.

Held myself up long enough to brush my teeth, stumbled into bed and passed out. Hard.

It felt so good. To just lay down, not feel anything but tired, and then nothing. Not even sleep washing over me. I dreamed, but I don't remember what the dreams were about.

God, it was good.

Since I came home from the hospital without the boys, I've just wanted to induce some sort of coma. Some non-conscious state, where I wouldn't feel...this. All this. You know.

I will admit to eyeing the ambi*n, and the a*ivan every now and then... wondering. If I accidentally spilled too many pills into my hand. How nice it would be not to feel this way anymore. Those thoughts hadn't really crossed my mind in quite some time. And really, I would never do anything like that. Even clinically depressed at 13, I never considered anything...permanent. But the idea of some relief, for a little while at least, relief would be so nice.

It's getting bad again. I am having more non-weepy hours than a couple of months ago. More waves of something resembling concentration. I even laugh sometimes, and sing along to the new SB album I got. But it doesn't last long. And when it stops, when the good hour comes to an end, I can feel myself start to fall. I can feel the sanity ebbing, my posture getting slouched, my throat getting tighter. And then I fall. And I fall hard. Hard like January and February. Hard like it's too much work to go downstairs and make something resembling dinner. Hard like taking Ambien at 9:30 feels like an awesome plan. Just knock me out.

I've always suspected I could very easily become addicted to drugs or alcohol, because I seem to be a creature of habit, especially if something is physically soothing. I never started smoking, partially because of this (partially because I had gross early exposure). I love the feeling of a couple of glasses of wine, but I have little tolerance, and somehow I wind up driving a lot. Margaritas are yummy. But I somehow always talk about how I'd like a drink (or a pill) more than I actually take one. Maybe I just feel better knowing it's there if I want it.

In the last 4 months I've come to understand how one could become addicted to any number of controlled substances. I've understood the wish to just end everything, just to be rid of the pain. Almost. I don't want to end my life. I just want my old one back. I want this one not to hurt so much.

The Ambi*n, though. That's tempting. Just knock me on the head and let me be out of it for a while. Wake me when I'm better.

8 comments:

Newt said...

I don't have anything smart to say, but I wanted to leave a comment. This is a really honest post. Thanks for writing it. Thinking about you.

STE said...

Thanks for reading, Newt. I appreciate your comments and thoughts. My fingers are crossed for you.

luna said...

it is tempting when you just want to wake up and have the nightmare be over... but it's still there, and nothing can make it go away. that said, antidepressants or an occasional little helper that get you what you need to function on a daily basis could be helpful.

I've often been tempted by alcohol, I love me a good bottle of wine. but the truth is drinking can make me even more emotional which is not helpful. yes, seeking escape but also numbness and calm... wish I had something better to say. the fact that you are aware will help with conscious decision-making at least. thinking of you. ~luna

btw I liked your comment on mel's post today.

niobe said...

I know this feeling all too well.

CLC said...

You aren't alone thinking these things. I feel like I could have written this post, except you said it much better than I ever could.

Tash said...

Boy do I get this. If the drugs didn't rob my memory, I could totally see why people just coast on them for their lifetimes. I also wished I could knock myself until enough "time passed" that I would feel better. Day by day is all I can advise -- ask yourself each day, and if you need it? take it. It's survival. The days eventually will get fewer and farther between, really they will. I wish I could speed it up for you. Take care.

Julia said...

Last spring/summer/fall I did drink more than I had before. I found that on tough days having a drink helped in several different ways, not necessarily all at the same time. There was just getting me to relax enough to fall asleep. But there was also the unplugging something in me where it made it easier to think or write. It's a legitimate coping strategy, I think, if you know what you are doing and why you are doing it. And if you can in fact do without.

I am sorry things are bad now. I find that it happens sometimes, often at the most unpredictable points...

Antigone said...

I drank *a lot* back in January and February. It was the only thing I could do to take the edge off. And it did. Of course my tolerance is equally low. Two glasses of wine and I'm numb.

My husband and I fight a lot because he keeps pushing me to return to life. He won't leave me alone and bugs me until I shower and go to work or walk the dogs or something else I don't want to do. I've been so mad at him for it but I've just recently realized the guy is doing it because he thinks it's helping me. If he hadn't I think I'd be drunk right now.