She said it. "I don't think you should see me."
My sister and I were talking about her trip to NY to see the family, to finally take my dad out for his birthday. We were talking about the upcoming surprise bridal shower in NY for my future SIL at the end of May. I was telling her that I was trying to decide what I should do. She was saying that she figured out that she would be able to go. But...
She said it. And it broke my heart all over again. Little tiny pieces. For so many reasons. Loss after loss after loss. And I cried, there on the phone. There was nothing to say.
So assuming she'll be allowed to travel at 21 or 22 weeks, she'll go to the shower. And I'll go to the wedding, since she won't be able to then.
I'm so tired of crying. Of wanting to cry. Of only having bad, sad things to say. Sad, pitiful posts. Sad, angry phone calls. Sad, anxious trips out into the world. I'm tired of feeling pathetic. Sad-sack. Evoking pity. Or judgment. "god, that sucks" "oh, I'm so sorry" "wow, it just keeps coming"
I don't know how to push through this. Images of mud. Of wet sand. Of heavy waves. Of walking against the wind. I'm too tired of this to compare it to something. those are just the images that come to mind. Someone's fist in my chest, keeping me from moving forward, keeping me in the same place, with the same sharp ache. Right where I live.
I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be numb. I just want to stop feeling this way. I don't want this life.