Tuesday, December 9, 2008

When the numbness wears off

This must be what it feels like. You know, those pins and needles, weak muscles.

Late August, September...sensory memories... like now, too.

It's just... it was so horrible at first, I was so raw and, it almost destroyed me, and well, you know. And the pain went on and on and then it dissipated a little, a few tentative steps into the worlds, and it was okay....

It's the only way I can figure it. How last semester, just teaching was okay. I could get through, do some work, focus a little and connect with my class. This semester, long and difficult. I reviewed some of the grading I did for the recent batch of papers, and realized that I blew it. That god my students are point mongers. No grading on K.lonopin anymore, i guess, though I have no idea how I'll get through it.

I am eating sugar cookies and that's about it. Coffee, too. My stomach is huge. Sigmund would have a ton of fun with that, eh?

And the friends I invited here for a few "girl nights" won't be able to come (the idea was a long shot anyway), so C will stay here to take care of me. Maybe he'll have them here later. He says "You're stuck with me. We'll be together. " And I think how he must long to get away and have his own time. And how it's all just not fair. Nothing.

As horrible as it was, I think I'd rather go back to being numb.

6 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

This is the hard part of healing. Be good to yourself.

luna said...

this is such a tough time. I hope you can both take care of yourselves and each other.

Tash said...

give yourself what your body asks for. Within reason. I consider coffee and cookies well within reason, and would happily contribute.

Any chance you two can split town for a few days?

(OMG, my word verification for this comment, I am TOTALLY SERIOUS, SWEAR ON A STACK OF BIBLES, is "Toxic.")

Betty M said...

I'm sorry your friends couldn't make it. Take care of you - and I don't mean stop the biscuits and coffee - whatever it takes, it takes.

jodie38 said...

If cookies and coffee blow your hair back, let it be so. Fuck Sigmund - he had his own hang-ups.....

Do what you must to get through. The healing process is neither easy nor painless, in my experience. Be kind to yourself.

Julia said...

Blogger ate my comment... gave me an error in return. Eh... trying again.

So I think I told you how I got hooked on lattes, right? It was the thing I used to get through work days. So I am with Tash on the well withing reason thing.

If they can't come to you, can you go to them? Or somewhere else?