Wednesday, December 10, 2008

feeling life

I told my 90-year old grandmother about my pregnancy at about 12 weeks, after had she spent 10 minutes on the phone complaining about how she was no good any more (too tired, doesn't cook or drive, etc). This is the grandmother who knitted every sweater, slipper, and afghan in my house until I was a teenager.

I told her we needed her, especially in May. I told her she needed to get busy knitting, booties, blanket, sweater, whatever she wanted, but she better get busy. And that what ever she made, I needed two. She was thrilled.

She said she'd start when I "feel life". That's when she did it for my mom, and for herself. When I told her I saw them on the ultrasound she was astounded, (modern technology) and when my dad showed her the copies of the NT screening ultrasound, she was... smitten. "You take care of my babies," she said. I told her she better get busy. She asked what I wanted, and what colors. (God forbid you wrap a boy in a pink blanket) and made noises about going to the store to get yarn.

Everytime we talked, she asked if we knew the sexes yet. She wanted to wait to knit blankets until I felt life.

One year ago tonight, I felt undeniable movement. At about 17 weeks, I had already felt flutters, little tickles on the inside of my belly. The heartbeats were in different places when I was getting fluids a few days earlier.

One year ago tonight, I was definitely getting my appetite back. Milk. Very cold milk. In cereal. Bowl after bowl. Kept it down. Glasses of milk. (As a rule, I never drink milk, except occasional bowls of cereal or freshly made chocolate chip cookies.)

One year ago tonight I was sitting on the couch grading papers and felt this... thump on the right side of my belly. I put my hand where I felt the thump and someone pushed back. A little round someone.

I looked up at C and told him that I just felt one of them move. We were both silent, in awe, then I went from zero to bawling in about 10 seconds.

Feeling life. With my entire body, my whole heart.

Four days later I had a little brown discharge. About 18 weeks. Not much. Went away in a few days. Not much movement, but still too early for anything consistent. About 10 days later my water broke.


CLC said...

I hate reliving these days- Remembering the happiness. I am still wondering when it will come back. I am sorry Sue.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry Sue. I hold that one last kick in my memory. Close to my heart.

I'm sorry, these are hard memories to walk through.

noswimmers said...

I'm so sorry.


luna said...

so so hard to remember those beautiful blissful days, knowing what followed.

what a lovely memory you have of your grandma, and your boys.

abiding with you and C, Sue.

The Turtle and the Monkey said...

I know these memories are so very hard.

You are in my thoughts.

Julia said...

I am sorry... It seems particularly cruel to lose this part so soon. Something so intimate, so gloriously unique to pregnancy, so long-awaited.

Tash said...

Oh Sue. I' bawling now too. I wish I could step back in time and stand in front of this oncoming train for you. I really do.

loribeth said...

I'm sorry, Sue. :( Grandparents are so special, bless 'em. "My babies." -- FIL used to greet me with a huge grin & pat my belly, saying, "How's my baby?" lol I think about it now & it tears at my heart.

Aunt Becky said...

Oh Sue, this is just breaking my heart. I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry.

Anonymous said...

i love the story about your grandmother -- i can imagine her pleasure, her excitement -- and her heartbreak. just as i know yours.

i never felt earl move. i envy you that little bit of joy, bittersweet as it now is.

wishing you and cliff very well -- hope the semester winds up leaving you with a bit of energy.


Anonymous said...

I craddled you in my arms
When you were sent to me
For only a moment
And then you were free
Oh how I miss you
and long to see your face
But I, I had to let you go
Home to God's embrace

My child
My love
My life
My son
Baby of mine
Angel divine
Back to your fathers arms

I kissed each little finger
And watched you close your eyes
Before the heavens took you
Away for just awhile
My heart now will hold you
Until your by my side
I pray the angels
Will sing for you
This mothers lullabye

My child
My love
My life
My son
Baby of Mine
Angel Divine
Back to you fathers arms

Baby of Mine
Angel Divine
Back in your fathers arms

Sue Krupa
My Child, My love

c. said...

I'm filled with incredible sadness as you relive it all, Sue. I continue to be just heartbroken for you. XO.