feeling life

I told my 90-year old grandmother about my pregnancy at about 12 weeks, after had she spent 10 minutes on the phone complaining about how she was no good any more (too tired, doesn't cook or drive, etc). This is the grandmother who knitted every sweater, slipper, and afghan in my house until I was a teenager.

I told her we needed her, especially in May. I told her she needed to get busy knitting, booties, blanket, sweater, whatever she wanted, but she better get busy. And that what ever she made, I needed two. She was thrilled.

She said she'd start when I "feel life". That's when she did it for my mom, and for herself. When I told her I saw them on the ultrasound she was astounded, (modern technology) and when my dad showed her the copies of the NT screening ultrasound, she was... smitten. "You take care of my babies," she said. I told her she better get busy. She asked what I wanted, and what colors. (God forbid you wrap a boy in a pink blanket) and made noises about going to the store to get yarn.

Everytime we talked, she asked if we knew the sexes yet. She wanted to wait to knit blankets until I felt life.

One year ago tonight, I felt undeniable movement. At about 17 weeks, I had already felt flutters, little tickles on the inside of my belly. The heartbeats were in different places when I was getting fluids a few days earlier.

One year ago tonight, I was definitely getting my appetite back. Milk. Very cold milk. In cereal. Bowl after bowl. Kept it down. Glasses of milk. (As a rule, I never drink milk, except occasional bowls of cereal or freshly made chocolate chip cookies.)

One year ago tonight I was sitting on the couch grading papers and felt this... thump on the right side of my belly. I put my hand where I felt the thump and someone pushed back. A little round someone.

I looked up at C and told him that I just felt one of them move. We were both silent, in awe, then I went from zero to bawling in about 10 seconds.

Feeling life. With my entire body, my whole heart.

*****
Four days later I had a little brown discharge. About 18 weeks. Not much. Went away in a few days. Not much movement, but still too early for anything consistent. About 10 days later my water broke.