That night; changing hospitals

After C left to take care of things at home, there was just this weird quietness. TV off, alone in my room. I don't know what I thought about even. Denial, bargaining. Anxiety probably. The nurse gave me an am.bien so I could sleep, and I vaguely remember thinking, Is that safe for the babies?

I think at this point I knew that Joshua was gone. The question was what kind of condition was Jacob in, how much fluid did he have and what should our next steps be. I must have been in some kind of shock, since I was teary, but not completely freaking out.

I woke early so I'd be ready when the radiologist got in, and C arrived. Got a phone call at maybe 8 that the radiologist was there, but we were still waiting for C. There was lag time, of course, (hospital time, as we began to call it) between C's arrival and the radiologist's.

The radiologist wheeled in this huge machine and set to work. There was a little small talk, but he knew why he was there. He spent quite some time measuring Jacob, telling us what we were seeing occasionally. I remember the different colors of the blood flow through his heart. At the bottom of the screen was the sinus pattern of the heartbeat, sort of layers of black and white, hills and valleys where they should be. It was a good few minutes, he spent, and worked to try to find pockets of fluid. Few and far between. I seem to recall between 1 and 2 cms, or 2 and 3, here or there. Very low.

When he got to Joshua, he tried to get some measurements and observe the heartbeat, but there was none. We could see his head, sort of, and limbs, but the layers of black and white did not move. He was smaller than his brother. I recall being momentarily disappointed that we didn't get to spend as much time with him, but then, of course, knowing why.

He did an external measurement of my cervix, 3.7 cm, I think.

That morning, mostly I dealt with the nurses. It occurs to me that even after he had the results, the radiologist went out to talk to the doctor, and the nurse, Brandi, came in to tell us we were being transferred to my peri's hospital. He told me there was no heartbeat on "baby b", but detailed results were being reported to my local OB on call and my peri. Brandi didn't come in for a while, but we knew what was being discussed.

I think I texted JK, briefly, then called my dad. I could barely squeak it out, "My water broke yesterday. One of the babies is gone." Before I could get much further, without hesitation, he said, "Do you want me to come out to you?" "Yes," I was all I could say, through tears. He was the only one I could say it to out loud. After that it was text with JK and C, doing the dirty work.

My dad said he'd look into flights and call me or C. We started getting ready to go to the other hospital. I think C helped me take a quick shower since it had been a few days, not washing my long hair, but at least I'd be sort of clean. They gave me some pads.

Brandi helped us with the arrangements to get to the University Hospital, and we didn't wind up leaving until close to 3 pm, me with a packet of information and an automatic admission form in an envelope on my lap. She wheeled me the back way, I think, to an elevator where I wouldn't have to see all the happy people with their new babies. As we got to the door, I said to C that I had forgotten to bring one of those little boxes of tissues from the room. Brandi parked me and said she'd be right back; she ran to the gift shop and picked up a couple of purse packs of tissues for me. "You didn't want those horrible rough tissues anyway."

It was almost an hour to the UH, and C held my hand just about the whole way.

Coming up: Getting admitted, talking to doctors, talking to family.