Thursday, June 19, 2008


When do I get to be me again? When do I get *through* this, you know "the only way out is through" through. I'm tired of feeling up and down and up and down and down and down and down. I'm tired of being so unfocused I keep looking for things to focus on -- except it's everything but what i need to do. What I need to do to take care of myself, to move my life forward, to remedy the practical damage done.

I'm so scattered. And I can't settle on anything. I can't relax.

It's like everything is too hot to touch. Too sharp. Too deep.

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I'm just so tired of this.


Anonymous said...

I found you through Stirrup Queens. I don't have the words to tell you how powerful your writing is - how brave and strong you are to tell your story, in spite of your pain. I'm so, so sorry for your loss - and those words are so inadequate in the face of what you've been through, what you're still going through. IF just never ends, does it? So many layers of shit.
You're in my thoughts. Wishing you peace.

Tash said...

Me too. I don't know. I do know, right around a year, I realized I was sort of dual-mourning: mourning Maddy of course, but also mourning ME. The old me. And at a year, I was sort of over that. I put a fork in it. And moved on to just mourning Maddy. And for the most part it worked. I don't think it's the "new me," I think that's still getting worked out and probably always will.

There will come a time, I promise, when the ground will feel firmer under your feet, the ups/downs will come but probably more spread out and less intense. You probably won't realize it until you're on the other side of it looking back. Hang in there S.

Sara said...

Oh man, have I been there. I'm so sorry. I know you know this, but it's just time. Time will help.

I'm thinking about you.

c. said...

Like Sara, I think it's time that helps us heal to some extent, time that gives us some reprieve from the roller coaster and the intensity of the emotions. Having not had enough time pass, I can't say this for sure though. All I can do is hope. I hope for you, too, STE.

CLC said...

I totally get it. It's just tiring, and seems like it will never end. Actually, it won't so I don't know why I put "seems". I am sorry you have to live with this.

Ya Chun said...

It is a roller-coaster, woman. A roller-coaster. And roller-coasters are a continuous loop. Maybe it will start slowing down, pausing at the gate; maybe one day we can get off, learn to use our legs again. All we can do now is check our safety harness, lean into the sharp turns, and close our months to keep the flies out.

luna said...

yep. I'm also so sorry you have to live like this. it's no way to have to be and it takes everything just to get through. as others have said, hang in there, hold on. somehow you will get through this. not over, but through.

thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

i tell you that i had just gotten to the point of being able to speak about Emi w/out crying when we lost Daniella.
I can't even think straight now.
I'm wondering right along with you.

k@lakly said...

I think tash is right, part of what makes it hard is the mourning we do for ourselves. Often, I think we don't even realize that is what we are really grieving, the loss of innocence, the loss of the person we used to know and coming to terms with the idea that this new "me' is one who will have to live carrying this burden forever.
I think getting to the point where you can accept (I HATE using that word) what has happened and that it will never change, allows you to do what Tash says, let go of the grief for you and just grieve for the boys. Although I still can't get my head around that grief. It is a very hard thing to grieve for a lost future without a past to look back on that offers memories to comfort you.

Kristin (kekis) said...

When I read "Luscious Lemon" there was one quote which jumped off the pages and has stayed in my mind. It was this:

"This (meaning loss) isn't something you get over. It's just something you get through, and then you carry it around with you for the rest of your life. It's part of your story now. Part of your history. It'll always, always hurt. Just not quite as bad someday."

I hope that time eases your pain and someday it doesn't hurt as bad as it has.

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