Thursday, June 26, 2008

High Wire Act, or...

A Decent Metaphor Beaten to Death

A few things about me:

- I don't like heights.
- My sense of physical balance is not great.
- I have never cared for the circus.

And yet, I am living one. I am up on that freaking high wire, hoping the callouses on my twisted feet and my rough soled slippers will keep me vertical on the high wire, will keep me from plunging to the earth in my tacky costume and stage make up.

(Okay, enough of the metaphor. Well, maybe a little more.)

But I actually do kind of feel that way. It's all I can do to keep my balance, literally putting one foot in front of the other, focused on the safe place at the end of the wire. I'm going slowly. Sometimes the foot goes forward, sometimes back to help balance me. I'm holding on to that pole for dear life, hoping it will help.

But I am toppled by a stiff breeze. Or something catches my eye and makes me lose my footing;
I wind up on the ground and crying.

I seem to do fine for a couple of weeks, doing better, getting my feet under me, taking big steps. Standing up straight and almost confident. And then something knocks me. An important date. a challenge to push myself academically, intellectually. A friend could use my support for something important.

I can almost see it in slow motion as I lose my balance and plunge downward. I am lucky to have C as my safety net. To have personal and professional support, and you, my dear internets. Despite the net, it hurts to fall. And it takes so much to get back on that freaking ladder, to get back up on the wire. It shakes and bends with my steps, with my attempts to right myself, or to begin again.

Meanwhile, life is passing by, time is ticking away and there is only so much others can do. They can cheer me on as I climb the ladder, attempt another crossing. They cheer from below, and from the other side. But I am the only one, I am alone in my crossing.

Did I mention my balance sucks?

And I fucking hate the circus.


Mrs. Spit said...

I know the feeling. And that ring master, you really can't see him, but you're pretty sure he has it in for you!

luna said...

the circus has always freaked me out too.

life always seems to be some kind of balancing act. but it seems that with life after loss, there's a bunch of freaky scary powerful creatures trying to knock you off that rope, and there's quite a freefall before you hit the safety net.

niobe said...

I love Mrs. S's comment.

I'm not exactly afraid of heights, but I have an unpleasant physical reaction to them. Just thinking about being on a tightrope makes my feet feel like little electric shocks are running through them.

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