Friday, June 27, 2008

Here's how fucked up I am

Crying when someone actually acts in a sensitive manner.

My closest friend here, S, is due in mid-August with #2. (She got pg when I was pg and we were very excited to be able to be pg together.)

Some of her friends from the department (with whom I am friendly with but not friends) are throwing her a shower (a "pamper the parents" thing since they have the baby stuff from #1) in a few weeks. I played phone tag with her friend K for 2 days, finally connected this afternoon. She wanted to let me know what they were planning, and that an "e-vite" would be going out, but didn't want to just send it to me, without talking to me.

Clearly this action was guided by S, who has been very sensitive about all this and is actually including work on infertility/loss/"un.motherhood" in her dissertation. K said that S was fine with me going or not going, just wanted me to do what was most comfortable for me.

I told K straight off that I appreciated her letting me know, and that I would probably not go, but perhaps send a gift. She said something sweet about how she knew she hadn't been in touch, but had been thinking about us and hoping we were doing okay, etc. My voice started to choke at that point, but she changed the subject and we made small talk about summer plans and other things.

The shower is being held 5 doors down in my development. The host, D, is a woman who came out about her pregnancy (or was outed) at S's first baby shower. (She has never looked me in the eye once, and I, for some reason, have always made her appear very uncomfortable). The shower that was held at my apartment. Two and a half years ago. Right after I had made the appointment for the initial consult with the RE.* I got my period on the day of that shower. And found out that my dear friend JK was 3 months pg with #2. On that day.

So, yeah, that shower was a bit fraught for me. Maybe that's why D always looks at me funny. When she looks at me.

K finally reached me as I pulled into my driveway this afternoon. All I could think, as I was crying, walking into the house, up the stairs... I don't even know. Thank god she called to talk to me instead of just sending it. Thank god I didn't feel compelled to go. But goddammit, I should be going. I should be trying to figure out what I'd do with my 2-month old boys while I was there at the shower, part of the club, 5 doors down.

That first shower two and a half years ago was hard. I should not be in this place now. I'm grateful for the sensitivity, but it only makes it more clear what I still don't have. Where I still am not.*

How relieved I was, for a little while, to be moving past that place of infertility and childlessness. How much I want back in that club. The Mommy Club. How much I don't want people to be thinking of me with "oh, how awful" attached.

How broken my heart is. And continues to be.

And it's just not getting better. One or two steps forward = 3 or 4 steps back. Way back. I haven't called any of the trauma people. I was doing better. I was.

And now I'm not. I don't even know if I have the wherewithal to call. I'm at such a loss. I should be doing better.

But I'm not.


*Just to measure that two and a half years in IF-time, that's 9 IUIs (6 clomid, 3 injectible), at least 8 or 10 natural cycles (hahaha), 1 laparoscopy, 3 chemical pregnancies, 10 or more blood tests for RPL, 1 twin pregnancy, 1 PPROM at 20 weeks, 1 IUFD, 1 labor induction, 2 dead baby boys and at least $12-14K out of pocket (thank you, financial aid) for treatments, procedures, copays, medications, hospital stays and therapy. And I'm exactly as close to being a mother of living children as I was at S's first shower.


luna said...

I think your reaction is totally normal. sensitivity is wonderful, and so much better than the alternative, but it doesn't change what is missing at our core.

and that's how I've measured time too, in terms of what I've lost and how it just keeps passing by while and leaving me in its wake with a mounting casualty toll.

I'm so sorry you continue to find yourself in this place. maybe talking with those trauma people would help unload some of the burden, if only for a few hours... thinking of you.

Tash said...

Lately especially, as a couple people have unloaded some seriously insensitive shit at my feet, I've found myself completely level, not a tear drop in the eye, cold really, telling them that they're really behaving boorishly. People who genuinely ask me how I am, or bring up her name, make me choke up. I like to think this is normal, since I do it too.

S, you're so amazingly fresh in this whole thing. I know you don't want to hear that, but you're barely 6 months away from the event and less from the due date. It will be like this. The falls will be less steep, and fewer and farther in between. It will take events like this to trigger them. It's no wonder you don't want to go. Can you go out of town that weekend?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I'm just so sorry.

It's so shit. and hard. and shit.

Anonymous said...

oh and you NOT FUCKED UP!
you are just hurting and nurturing yourself.

Anonymous said...

(my first comment disapeared! anyway...) the dead baby thing really sucks. i am always second guessing myself too. for example, i may agree to go to a bbq and then find out that babies - many babies - are present. then i won't go. it's awful, had my babies been here it would all be so different, but they are not. and i have to deal, and if i seem fucked up, oh well. i lost my babies, not you. (i mean not them -- you know what i mean!)