Father's Day

This is a response to a post called Hallmark Holidays, written by my husband, CDE, on Glow in the Woods about his experience of Father's Day. This started out as a comment, just some thoughts C's post brought up for me.

There are a number images of you, your face, that stand out like photographs in my mind when I think of our pregnancy with the boys, and losing them. One was the huge smile on your face, as you put your hand on my belly, grinning from ear to ear, saying "Boys!" (I know you would have done the same for girls or some combination -- it was the joy with which you said it), and talking about how they were working so hard, growing.

Others that stand out particularly were after we found out that Joshua was gone, and we had to make decisions about Jacob. The sadness on your face, as we talked alone in hospital rooms. It utterly changed you. Grave, but strong. You spoke not just as a husband, but as a father.

You made the phone calls. I could only get through the one to my own father, we called you 'director of communication." You called your family and friends; you called mine, too. You got the hard words out so I didn't have to. I can't tell you how much it still means to me.

I remember your eyes, red-rimmed and sleep deprived, as you held my hand in the darkened delivery room. It was one of the few memories I have of that night. But you were there, helping me to do what I had to do. As you have always done, but this time...this time for the worst reasons imaginable. You put aside your own pain to help me through.

I wish you had had more time with your boys. I wish they were still here with you.