Sunday, June 15, 2008

Father's Day

This is a response to a post called Hallmark Holidays, written by my husband, CDE, on Glow in the Woods about his experience of Father's Day. This started out as a comment, just some thoughts C's post brought up for me.

There are a number images of you, your face, that stand out like photographs in my mind when I think of our pregnancy with the boys, and losing them. One was the huge smile on your face, as you put your hand on my belly, grinning from ear to ear, saying "Boys!" (I know you would have done the same for girls or some combination -- it was the joy with which you said it), and talking about how they were working so hard, growing.

Others that stand out particularly were after we found out that Joshua was gone, and we had to make decisions about Jacob. The sadness on your face, as we talked alone in hospital rooms. It utterly changed you. Grave, but strong. You spoke not just as a husband, but as a father.

You made the phone calls. I could only get through the one to my own father, we called you 'director of communication." You called your family and friends; you called mine, too. You got the hard words out so I didn't have to. I can't tell you how much it still means to me.

I remember your eyes, red-rimmed and sleep deprived, as you held my hand in the darkened delivery room. It was one of the few memories I have of that night. But you were there, helping me to do what I had to do. As you have always done, but this time...this time for the worst reasons imaginable. You put aside your own pain to help me through.

I wish you had had more time with your boys. I wish they were still here with you.


luna said...

now you've got me tearing up. such a beautiful tribute to your husband. thanks for sharing it with us.

aside from our wedding day, the happiest I ever saw my hub was when I told him I was pregnant by showing him an ultrasound pic. that image will stay with me forever. then like CDE, he had to do all those things I could not. it was all he could do, but it was everything for me.

wishing you both some peace.

janis said...

This is so heart-breaking to read. Yet so full of love and beauty.
Hopes of healing to you both.

c. said...

Much love to you and CDE. Beautiful post, STE.

k@lakly said...

I hate that we have come to know this tender yet strong side of our husbands because of this nightmare.

No one should have to feel these emotions, ever.

I am so sorry that you both had to do this, so sorry.