What is the drive to have a child? To bear a child? To bear my own child?
I want to be pregnant again. I'm scared to death, and we are not ready to try to conceive again. But I want it. You would think that the trauma of such a loss would cancel out any of the joy of a pregnancy. Of the anticipation of having a child. The sweet love I felt for my boys.
The trauma is there. The pain and the fear. But I want that joy again. I want that happy anticipation. Such sweet love. Different from my love for C.
Talking with C about this, I've been trying figure out how to find some joy in my life. Reclaim the joy in my research, in my work. Even as I enjoy my work, or even think about something happy (like adopting a dog) the enjoyment is limited. Limited by anxiety. Worry. Sadness.
I know most of this is grief. And maybe trauma. I also know that I was as happy as I had ever been in my life. Happier. My grief is not just for my boys. It's not just for my old self.
It's for my joy. Nothing else seems to compare.
And yet I'm afraid to fall again.