Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Six Months

It was six months ago today, Tuesday, December 25, that my water broke.

It didn't occur to me until I heard the bells in the University tower chiming at 10:00 this morning when I was dropping off C after our coffee run. It was 10:00 am that morning that I woke up and felt something wet, sat up to a gush and ran to the bathroom. We were in the emergency room by 10:20.

In 10 days, both the boys would be gone from my body. Gone from the world. In 10 days, they are gone six months.

It still hurts like hell. Not always, but often.

*****

Six months ago today, my friend JK's father died.

Very early yesterday morning, my friend B's father died. He was 85, and had been ill. Suffering the after-effects of a stroke and years of back pain. It still hurts, though, to lose your parent. She has 2 small children and a husband who needs a heart transplant.

I can't even imagine what she's going through right now. She doesn't talk easily about her feelings. But it weighs on her. We have been friends long enough to know.

I can't go to the funeral. Yes, the flights are expensive, but that's not the reason. I really don't think I would be able to get through the funeral. I get anxious about just jumping on a plane so I can be there for my friend.

Six months and one week ago, I was checking into flights and calling my doctor to see if I could fly at a moment's notice because we knew that JK's father would not live long. I wanted to be there for my friend, but in the end I couldn't, because I was in the hospital myself when he died.

I know she'll understand. I just wish the idea of going didn't give me a panic attack. If anyone needs support right now, it's B. But I can't give it to her, either. And that feels pretty fucking bad.

*****

Six months later and I struggle to find some meaning in my life now. I'm trying, but not invested in my work, not like I should be. I picture my future as a childless academic, wondering what the point is to all my study, all my research, all my classes. The system won't change because of me, my work. I feel so distant, and mediocre. Not quite good enough.

I love my husband and he loves me. I have good friends and family. But my boys are gone. And I don't know if I will ever feel the joy I felt when I carried them. Everything else pales in comparison.

I know, it will get better. I'll find things to get invested in. To hope for. Right now all I feel is anxiety even trying to accomplish anything. Like I'll fail. Or it will all be for naught.

Again.

*****

Six months.

Goddammit.

9 comments:

noswimmers said...

I am so sorry...for your loss, for your pain...for everything.

I'm sure your friend will understand why you can't be there. It's so hard, it affects everything we do.

*BIG HUGS*

luna said...

so so sorry. these dates just kick your ass every time. the first year is just the hardest. if it weren't for planning a vacation at 6 months out I don't know what I would have done honestly.

for me, it was almost like the more time that went by, the more distance and space between, the deeper the sadness burrowed inside, a little farther from the surface but not gone. yet that's all that connected me to him anymore, so it was disorienting. does that make any sense?

thinking of you.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

I'm so so sorry. I wish I could just say "feel better," and move on and know that you would. But you won't...not today and not tomorrow. Thinking of you and praying for peace for you...one moment at a time.

c. said...

Six months is hard, STE. It's just so hard. Thinking of you and your boys.

Aunt Becky said...

Holding you all close in my heart.

janis said...

The six-months mark is freakin' hard. I am so sorry. Hugs to you, C and your two little sweet ones.

Busted said...

I'm so sorry for yet another milestone that should never have been. And sorry for the coincidence of your friends' tragedies. I think your friend will understand - please don't be too hard on yourself.

Tash said...

Six months is brutal. It was just such a hard time. Thinking of you, S. Believe me there comes a day when the date passes on the calendar and you forget to observe it. At least month wise.

I'm so sorry about your friend.

CLC said...

every anniversary is hard. thinking of you and CDE. sorry for your friend's loss too.