Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I am a bad friend **Updated: Not so bad

I could still jump on a plane and go.

But I'm paralyzed.

Grief.
Guilt.
Fear.
Anxiety.
Panic.

All.Fucked.Up

Why can't I just go? Why is this so hard? A year ago, I would have been on the plane already.

How could I possibly be so fucked up by all this?

I am literally paralyzed.

**Update:

I sent B a hugely apologetic email saying I'd like to come for a visit soon, or when I'm in the area for the wedding. I also sent her a tower of goodies from H.arry and D.avid, and her mom an arrangement of flowers. She was okay that I didn't come, and looks forward to a visit in July.

So it's fine. Of course it is. I don't know why I keep freaking out over everything.

4 comments:

niobe said...

Just because you sound so torn, I was wondering if there was any possible compromise you'd feel comfortable with, so that you could support your friend, but protect yourself.

Could you go, but not attend the funeral? Could you wait until after the funeral to go? Could you pay for a plane ticket to have your friend come to visit you some time after the funeral?

None of these may work for you -- or maybe you've thought of them all and rejected them.

STE said...

Niobe, The funeral mass is (where she lives) two hours from where I would stay (my father's house) but the burial will be very near my hometown. So I guess I could go but not go to the services/burial. I don't know how things work after a catholic funeral; if she were Jewish, I'd just go to the shiva after and not feel like I was imposing, or making more work for her.

It does occur to me that I could come on Friday or Saturday and help her get some household things done.

We will be in the area in 3 weeks for my brother's wedding, so I was contemplating spending some time then, seeing as once the novelty of the loss wears off, everyone disappears.

Thank you, Niobe.

luna said...

you are NOT a bad friend. you just need the strength to be yourself right now, and I hope she will understand that. I like your idea of setting some time aside when you are nearby for the wedding, after others disappear. it might even be nicer for her too.

DJ Heavy D said...

I've been to many a Catholic funeral and I don't think any Catholic would be upset by you going to the burial but not the Mass.

That being said, and as you allued to, spending time with your friend closer to your brother's wedding might be a good compromise. In the beginning, in the hours and days after a death, there are so many people offering help. But as the weeks pass, there are fewer people around and sometimes that's when the grief really hits. She might be able to use some company then.