Sunday, February 28, 2010

Maybe it's better this way

I woke up yesterday wracked with anxiety. Didn't want to leave the house, the bed, even. Nap at 1:30.

Anxiety. Sadness. Medicated.

The night before, Friday night, I bit C's head off right before bed, over nothing.

*****
We talked earlier that evening, about what we might do. What options we would consider. Worries. Hopes.

Nothing decided.

*****
Today, every action was fraught with anxiety. Buying a plane ticket to see my family. Walking the dog. Changing the channel.

*****
The frustration, anxiety, withdrawal -- it was there all week. Sadness. Anger. I've been making C crazy with my vitriol, aimed at anything and everything. Including him.

Teaching was actually the only thing that went okay this week, I mean, the only thing I felt good about. But not for long. I don't feel like I'm really present or giving them what they need. Falling down on the job, is one way to put it, I guess.

A common theme in most aspects of my life these days, it seems.

*****
Maybe I'm just too messed up to do this. To parent.

Moody. Emotional. Chronically depressed. Chronically clinically depressed. Needy. Irresponsible. Short-tempered.

Too sensitive. Too immature to do it for the long haul. What would I do to children? (Wouldn't it be awesome if a potential birth mother or social worker were to find this?)

Just..lost.

8 comments:

Michele said...

Oh hon... Sending hugs and warm thoughts...

Andrea said...

You are going through some tough times, and I have been there too. Sometimes it seems like the world is falling apart, and sometimes it really is, but all you can do it try to focus on one thing at a time and try to take care of yourself. You will get through this.

luna said...

sue, it's so hard to make any decisions while everythign is still so raw. each failed cycle is a new loss and you're still reeling from the loss of your sons. how could you possibly be at peace with any option when so much is at stake?

be kind to yourself, and C. you two have been through so much together. keep on breathing. one foot in front of the other, but only when you're ready. xo

CLC said...

Thinking of you Sue.

Betty M said...

Thinking of you. No decision needs to be instant.

Tash said...

The best of moms go through the worst of moments. I like to think it shows their humanity. You've already proven yourself an incredible caretaker, never forget that.

Deep breath. Here with you.

money said...

只用微笑說話的人,才能擔當重任。........................................

MichalClark said...

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