Cycle day 3. On an off-cycle.
Day one of looking seriously into other options. IVF. Adoption. Trying to figure out what to do next. We have an appointment in 2 weeks with the RE to talk about IVF considerations and his recommendations for clinics, since I don't trust anyone around here. Maybe I'll try to push that up a bit.
I feel totally overwhelmed with choices and processes, for both routes (IVF and adoption). Our fear in trying IVF is that it will not work and we will not have $$ (or it will take more time to save up) for adoption. Of course, theoretically, IVF could work. Of course, being almost 4o, the odds are against me. If it doesn't work, yes, it could be diagnostic. But we don't really have funds for more cycles. So.
We may also do an IUI cycle while waiting to get in and/or getting testing for IVF, so as not to waste eggs.
Have I mentioned how much this sucks? But you folks know that already.
Having gotten that longstanding project done, finally, I would have thought I'd be feeling better. Not really.
If anything, I think I care less, feel more hopeless, more lost and confused about what I'm doing here and what I want to be doing. I was supposed to attend our university grad stud.ent conf this weekend, and I just couldn't do it. Of course, It was also the official Day 1, but that's not really something I want to be sharing with faculty and colleagues.
I don't even know that it's totally related to all this IF. And loss. Though, I have been having...well, almost flashbacks -- just sensations of sadness and loss and hopelessness -- from past losses. My mom, the boys...
And even though I know this topic I'm working on, this thing that seems to be becoming a project, I have mixed feelings about it. Like I'm too immersed to be able to explore it. I'm right there. Probably too close.
Which means, of course, I am without a larger inquiry focus. And I need one.
I don't know where to start. I've been looking at SART (and they have their 2008 data up, finally), but it doesn't tell me much that I don't already know. What next? I sent away for information, but that's so passive.
How do I start looking into adoption? Finding out about info sessions and home studies?
**PS: open to suggestions**