Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The universe can go screw


Death by 1000 cuts.

Crappy night, crappy morning. too much, too little to go into. but it's pissing me off.

I'm a fucking mess and my house is fucking mess and I'm about to lose it all over someone.

Yes, I still have the migraine. the drugs took the edge off, but it's still there, poking its tongue out at me.

Peed on two sticks this morning (well, actually, I piac). The FRER? Oh, totally stark white. It looks even whiter where the test line should be.

the CVS early? The typical evap. AWE.Some.

I know it's an evap because it's 13 dpo, and I'm getting no lines on the super early frer. Oh, and I"m spotting. not much -- I have to um, you know. to see it, but it's there. brown. Just a matter of time before it's red.

I did not do a good job with all the pills and shots and inserts and sleep and caffeine. Oh, and the otc migraine medicine.

Part of me wants to do another one, so I can "do a better job." because i"m insane.

Time to give up. At least on this route.

So. How did you decide on your IVF clinic? Seriously. Give me your advice. Assvice. I'll take it.

I'm thinking about just going to NY/Cor.nell, since I have family there whom I can stay with. And I really don't know if I trust *anyone* around here.

Financial aid should be coming in any day now. Friday I think. That should cover our part, I think. Of course, we can't afford *anything* else. Like clothes. The occasional dinner out. Vacation. Hah. Vacation. We can afford that when we are old and childless. After our adoption attempt fails and I get out of the looney bin.

Talk to me.


Beth said...

Hi Sue -- I have no assvice or advice, nothing I can think of to say that seems remotely helpful. I'm mad with you, for you. It's eff-ed up, and not right, and total bullshit. It's not supposed to go like this.

Just wanting to say I'm still reading, and that mad part.
I really, really wish I could say something helpful.
I'm sorry, Sue.
love to you.

niobe said...

What Beth said. I want to say something helpful, but I know that I can't.

In terms of picking an IVF clinic, I'm you've already looked at this, but I found the CDC statistics comparing different clincs very helpful.

G$ said...

I'm sorry doesn't cut it (cut it, get it?). Fuck the universe, I still believe it should give out free passes.

I picked my IVF clinic just simply because I was already going there and I believed in my doctor (my hero in a white coat)... and well they had the best ratings in the area too. It's scary to move ahead, but I also found it somewhat comforting to have a ton of stuff to go through and obsess over. Keep in mind that *after* you get all the pre-IVF work done (this takes way longer than I thought it should), it takes 6 weeks or so to get you up and moving on a cycle. So if you decide to do another IUI, I would integrate some of the pre-IVF testing in it to feel like you aren't stuck for months after.

Hang in there lady. I am thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Dropped by to check in, and sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckpants! SUCK SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS! And SUCKS SOME MORE! Suh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-hucks. SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS! This sucks. where's my goddamn magic wand? I would so do this over for you....xoxo S in Columbus

Tash said...

Oh hon, I'm so so sorry. Please treat yourself nicely over the next few days, ok? As in: Valentines for yourself. Lotsa chocolate bon bons and red wine and trashy action-mystery movies.

I think I know someone who did NY/Cornell, let me check on that. Is Chicago closer (or is all pretty much the same if you have to get on a plane)? I'm trying to think if I know of anyone there. Will start looking around. Let me know if you're thinking Philly!

Simple said...

Hi - I've been a lurker for months & want to let you know that there a couple of other blogs I follow that either used Corn.ell or are in that area. I would give you info about mine, but I'm in Atlanta & well, I did 2 IVFs with no baby.

I feel your pain & really hope you get that elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Beruriah said...

Damn it. I support looking elsewhere; let me know if I can help with that somehow.

Julia said...


Fuckity fuck.

I am sorry.

Don't have much else, except that I hope you know that if you are thinking around here, you can totally stay with us for as long as you need to. Also, Julia Hippogrifs and Julie alitlepregnant both love the clinic in Twin Cities they used. Don't know much beyond that. And shit, I am so sorry.

Betty M said...

I'm sorry.
As to the assvice - stats, personal recommendation, visits to hear what is suggested for you, price and convenience of location particularly if you work at the same time are the factors I looked at.

Erin said...

We chose our IVF clinic based on the shared risk program and the fact that it has the #1 success rates in the country. That was what made us walk in the door. Sitting down with the woman who became my RE sealed the deal. No matter what the success rates, you have to "click" and feel hope....if there is such a thing.

loribeth said...

I'm sorry. :( No assvice re: clinics, although I have heard good things about Cornell.

Ya Chun said...

I'm sorry, I am no help, but I am HERE!

And who cares about the house....

Michele said...

Oh honey... I am so sorry.

I loved our RE (in Bethlehem, PA). WHile we only pursued IUI, I know a number of people who had success wither IVF with her. You can google "family fertility center" in bethlehem and Dr. Lee will pop up.

k@lakly said...

I've got nothing. Nada. But I will be here, where ever you go, what ever you choose to do. Always.

MichalClark said...

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE. The Three Laws of Thermodynamics (mathematically precise version) 1. You can't win ... In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. .... Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups

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