Sunday, February 7, 2010

Don't. Wanna.

(to be read in a whiny voice...)

I have so much work to do.

I don't care. I don't want to do it.

That seems to be the problem. I'm lacking the motivation, the intention, the commitment I see my colleagues demonstrating.

I can *do* it. If I put my mind to it. If I wanted to make the effort.

*****
I am trying to read this narrative project I have for one of my classes. Of the 6 pages written (by my group-mates) I have barely gotten through 2, as the writing is so... well, not great. I am correcting punctuation, not to mention the treacly prose. I am literally reading it one paragraph at a time. It is not a huge project, but I do need to be able to contribute to it.

I feel... I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. Or there is a fist going through my chest. How is that for overly dramatic? I am annoyed and frustrated.

Yes, I know. Just get through it so I can be done with it. I do see benefit to be had from my classes. Growth or, at least, learning.

There are so many other things on my mind.

*****
But, really, I do care about all this. I do. But.

I don't know what's stopping me. I can hear C in my head, saying, "For now, forget about why, and just get it done." It's not that I think he's wrong.

Maybe I'm not strong-willed enough.

*****
What will happen if I don't get all this done?

When I was in eighth grade, I quit. I stopped doing my work. I holed up in my house, in my room. I stopped going to school.

This feels a little like it.

I was pretty depressed then. And there was a lot going on, in my head, in my body, my home.

I can't do that again.

I don't know how to get through this. I can't quit, but I don't know how to get through. Don't know how to get it done.

1 comment:

Beruriah said...

I wish I had wiser words of advice than Cliff. Only you can find a way that works for you.

And yet, I'll share my own experience. I know that slowly slowly forcing myself, despite torture, offering myself rewards like a movie, or a hot chocolate, or an hour of a video game ONLY if I finished a reasonable quota of work in a day, eventually worked. My dissertation wasn't as good as I had dreamed, and I remained disappointed with myself in the end. But it got done, so now I can move on.