(to be read in a whiny voice...)
I have so much work to do.
I don't care. I don't want to do it.
That seems to be the problem. I'm lacking the motivation, the intention, the commitment I see my colleagues demonstrating.
I can *do* it. If I put my mind to it. If I wanted to make the effort.
I am trying to read this narrative project I have for one of my classes. Of the 6 pages written (by my group-mates) I have barely gotten through 2, as the writing is so... well, not great. I am correcting punctuation, not to mention the treacly prose. I am literally reading it one paragraph at a time. It is not a huge project, but I do need to be able to contribute to it.
I feel... I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. Or there is a fist going through my chest. How is that for overly dramatic? I am annoyed and frustrated.
Yes, I know. Just get through it so I can be done with it. I do see benefit to be had from my classes. Growth or, at least, learning.
There are so many other things on my mind.
But, really, I do care about all this. I do. But.
I don't know what's stopping me. I can hear C in my head, saying, "For now, forget about why, and just get it done." It's not that I think he's wrong.
Maybe I'm not strong-willed enough.
What will happen if I don't get all this done?
When I was in eighth grade, I quit. I stopped doing my work. I holed up in my house, in my room. I stopped going to school.
This feels a little like it.
I was pretty depressed then. And there was a lot going on, in my head, in my body, my home.
I can't do that again.
I don't know how to get through this. I can't quit, but I don't know how to get through. Don't know how to get it done.