Everything

For the last week or so, in trying to make sense, and trying to figure out a plan, amid all the hopelessness, I keep asking myself "why am I doing this to myself?" I am not good at pregnancy. I was physically miserable most of the time. Why sign up for more, at great financial and emotional risk?

*****
I just got home, but spent a few minutes in the car listening to the end of this song and crying. It's a sentimental song, not particularly original, or technically fine-tuned, but it got a bit of play on the radio when I was pregnant. I can't listen to this song without crying, but somehow I can't turn it off.

Actually, I don't want to.

I think what makes me cry? Is how good I felt when I heard it then, more than two years ago. When I sang along, thinking of my boys. I cried then, too, but shed such happy tears. As miserable as I was physically, I was so happy to be pregnant. I already loved them. It sounds so trite to say it: I was full of joy at the prospect of having them, loving them, raising them.

And this silly, sappy, sentimental song just said so much, so simply. (Alliteration, anyone?) Of course, not all the lyrics apply. Of course, because it's a love song. Mostly it's the chorus that gets me, but especially this line: And I get to kiss you baby just because I can. I can feel soft, squishy baby cheeks against my face. Soft, squishy baby belly.

Maybe that's why.

*****
I'll link to the lyrics here, and the "official video" is below, but it doesn't really relate to anything. Mich.ael Bubl.e is the performer.