Tuesday, March 16, 2010


So. It hasn't been great.

Up and down. Bitching left and right. Oh, and the anxiety is fun, too.

I spent part of spring break in NY and Boston. Originally just planned on NY, as my grandmother is not doing great, and I haven't seen her for a while. And, really, I hadn't been home for a year and a half. More than that, even.

But then a got a note from JK. A member of her immediate family died, and I felt like I needed to be there. I would only be a couple hundred miles away, so I kind of went into hyperdrive and changed my flight and rented a car. Spent the first few days in NY, the last few in Boston. Went to the funeral and the luncheon after. Wished there was more I could do. At the same time, felt kind of in the way. I'm glad I went though. Just to be there with her, her husband, family. And got to spend some quality time with JH, another dear friend in Boston, as well as several meals with others.

In NY, there was a lot of good, but a lot of not so much, too. Overtired from my trip. Lag time between who my family tend to think I am and who I have actually become. Oh, and grief and anger and all that messiness around the failed cycle and who knows what we're doing next. And it seemed the first part of every gathering was about the baby. Which, you know, duh. But not what I needed.

Literally in town for an hour and a half (after about 12 hours of traveling on no sleep), we (me, my dad, his girlfriend, my brother, his wife, L) sit down to dinner at a favorite mandarin Chinese food restaurant and the first words uttered are about so-n-so's due date and, L, when is your sister due? How is she doing?

Are you fucking kidding me?

There were breaks from it, but it was always there. Basically, the conflict between who they expect me to be and who I am now (plus, you know, my virulent rage at the universe) made for some interesting, if not difficult interactions.

Awesome deli experience with my dad on the first full day. Had a great breakfast with my brother and his wife, and then a wonderful lunch and afternoon with my friend, B.

With my friends, I was okay. I was able to mention my pregnancy, my loss, my depression without them freaking out. I could throw it into conversation and there weren't awkward pauses or looks. Tension. Even JK's family who were deeply grieving one of their own, took the time to thank me for being there, and to acknowledge my own losses over the last few years.

It was affirming.

But I could feel myself starting to get anxious and stressed about my travel back to the mid-west. Often clumsy. Flustered.

Made my flights fine. Made it home with no trouble. Wonderful greeting from husband and pets late at night. And after being home for an hour or two, it settled in.

Sadness. Anger. Anxiety.

frustration. hate. don't wanna.

How does the song go? back t0 life...back to rea1ity.

Yeah. great.

Then anger turned to depression and panic and then anxiety settled in. Hard. Not quite panic attack level, but that weight on the chest, around the neck. Heart pounding. I finally took a half a K yesterday evening and it helped. Appt with the pharm tomorrow morning.

Miscellaneous conversations with members of my family are just proving to reinforce my frustration with them, with the way we interact, with their expectations of me and of each other. I am afraid that once my father dies, we will all go our separate ways. I fear my grandmother is not long for this world. She is sleeping a lot these days, even with the meds and oxygen and everything else.

I fear I'm falling again. We are moving into a different space, reproductively. Still talking about ivf vs adoption vs any other possible options. But not really since I got back.

I think C is ready for adoption. I don't know if I'm there yet. And there's so much other stuff attached to it.

**(Accidentally hit Publish)
And school? I have no idea. I'm behind in so much and struggling with what I have currently... mostly struggling to care, to get it done. I have to teach and I"m doing a crappy job. I say, "I don't want to do this anymore." and C says, "So quit and get a job."

And that doesn't sit right either.

Feeling lost and trapped at the same time.

I know I am so lucky to have good, loving friends and family, a husband who I know loves me with all his heart -- and whom I love with all mine -- a roof over my head and food on my plate. A potential career.

Am I asking for too much to throw kids into the mix? Can I even manage it?

Maybe I am asking too much.


Tash said...

Nah, you're not asking for too much at all.

Say, this is just a stupid offhand comment from a reader, but thinking back, you always seem a bit recharged on these trips -- even if you think they're tense going in/out. Seems like you get some good "talking" done and wind up having at least a few good times. I'm just wondering out loud here, but would some time away be good for you and/or the two of you? I know vacations are tough to swing, but could you just get a change of scenery? Try the conversation in a different milieu? Sometimes getting rid of the scenery and it's baggage can do a world of good.

jill said...

Definitely not asking too much. If only asking was all it took...

No advice or wise words here but I'm listening. *hug*

CLC said...

You are not asking too much and I am sure you can handle. Don't doubt yourself like that. Repeat after me: You (I) can do it.

Michele said...

I dont think it's too much to ask at all...

erica said...

Not too much to ask at all. Thinking of you and hoping the suck and anxiety ease.