Sunday, February 28, 2010

Maybe it's better this way

I woke up yesterday wracked with anxiety. Didn't want to leave the house, the bed, even. Nap at 1:30.

Anxiety. Sadness. Medicated.

The night before, Friday night, I bit C's head off right before bed, over nothing.

We talked earlier that evening, about what we might do. What options we would consider. Worries. Hopes.

Nothing decided.

Today, every action was fraught with anxiety. Buying a plane ticket to see my family. Walking the dog. Changing the channel.

The frustration, anxiety, withdrawal -- it was there all week. Sadness. Anger. I've been making C crazy with my vitriol, aimed at anything and everything. Including him.

Teaching was actually the only thing that went okay this week, I mean, the only thing I felt good about. But not for long. I don't feel like I'm really present or giving them what they need. Falling down on the job, is one way to put it, I guess.

A common theme in most aspects of my life these days, it seems.

Maybe I'm just too messed up to do this. To parent.

Moody. Emotional. Chronically depressed. Chronically clinically depressed. Needy. Irresponsible. Short-tempered.

Too sensitive. Too immature to do it for the long haul. What would I do to children? (Wouldn't it be awesome if a potential birth mother or social worker were to find this?)


Thursday, February 25, 2010


For the last week or so, in trying to make sense, and trying to figure out a plan, amid all the hopelessness, I keep asking myself "why am I doing this to myself?" I am not good at pregnancy. I was physically miserable most of the time. Why sign up for more, at great financial and emotional risk?

I just got home, but spent a few minutes in the car listening to the end of this song and crying. It's a sentimental song, not particularly original, or technically fine-tuned, but it got a bit of play on the radio when I was pregnant. I can't listen to this song without crying, but somehow I can't turn it off.

Actually, I don't want to.

I think what makes me cry? Is how good I felt when I heard it then, more than two years ago. When I sang along, thinking of my boys. I cried then, too, but shed such happy tears. As miserable as I was physically, I was so happy to be pregnant. I already loved them. It sounds so trite to say it: I was full of joy at the prospect of having them, loving them, raising them.

And this silly, sappy, sentimental song just said so much, so simply. (Alliteration, anyone?) Of course, not all the lyrics apply. Of course, because it's a love song. Mostly it's the chorus that gets me, but especially this line: And I get to kiss you baby just because I can. I can feel soft, squishy baby cheeks against my face. Soft, squishy baby belly.

Maybe that's why.

I'll link to the lyrics here, and the "official video" is below, but it doesn't really relate to anything. Mich.ael Bubl.e is the performer.

Monday, February 22, 2010

First day of the rest of my life...? **PS

Huh? No.

Cycle day 3. On an off-cycle.

Day one of looking seriously into other options. IVF. Adoption. Trying to figure out what to do next. We have an appointment in 2 weeks with the RE to talk about IVF considerations and his recommendations for clinics, since I don't trust anyone around here. Maybe I'll try to push that up a bit.

I feel totally overwhelmed with choices and processes, for both routes (IVF and adoption). Our fear in trying IVF is that it will not work and we will not have $$ (or it will take more time to save up) for adoption. Of course, theoretically, IVF could work. Of course, being almost 4o, the odds are against me. If it doesn't work, yes, it could be diagnostic. But we don't really have funds for more cycles. So.

We may also do an IUI cycle while waiting to get in and/or getting testing for IVF, so as not to waste eggs.

Have I mentioned how much this sucks? But you folks know that already.

Having gotten that longstanding project done, finally, I would have thought I'd be feeling better. Not really.

If anything, I think I care less, feel more hopeless, more lost and confused about what I'm doing here and what I want to be doing. I was supposed to attend our university grad stud.ent conf this weekend, and I just couldn't do it. Of course, It was also the official Day 1, but that's not really something I want to be sharing with faculty and colleagues.

I don't even know that it's totally related to all this IF. And loss. Though, I have been having...well, almost flashbacks -- just sensations of sadness and loss and hopelessness -- from past losses. My mom, the boys...

And even though I know this topic I'm working on, this thing that seems to be becoming a project, I have mixed feelings about it. Like I'm too immersed to be able to explore it. I'm right there. Probably too close.

Which means, of course, I am without a larger inquiry focus. And I need one.

I don't know where to start. I've been looking at SART (and they have their 2008 data up, finally), but it doesn't tell me much that I don't already know. What next? I sent away for information, but that's so passive.

How do I start looking into adoption? Finding out about info sessions and home studies?


**PS: open to suggestions**

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Period. End of Story.

Or, at least, end of chapter.

We have a lot of talking to do, a lot of planning...

When my parents called me, way back in 2000, to tell me that my mom was going in for surgery to remove a mass from her ovary, a possibly cancerous mass, I knew at that moment. I knew she was not going to survive her illness. Somehow, I knew. And when we got some good news about her bloodwork, how she seemed, initially, to be responding well, it always seemed odd to me. Of course I was thrilled that she was doing well, but...well, I don't know. I didn't trust it. In nine months she was gone.

After my water broke, when I was laying there in one of the hospital beds, words passed through my mind, "Well, that was it. My one chance is over." I know I've told that story before. And last fall, last year, I believed, that we still had another chance. Well, I wanted to believe it, anyway.

Keep the info and advice coming. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for being here.


Friday, February 19, 2010


So, I took myself off the progesterone and shots and stuff during my migraine, plus considering all the negative hpts, I figured it was a lost cause (yes, I know, I should have waited). I started spotting, very lightly Weds, a little more on Thursday and still, it has not become my period. Usually, it's a matter of 24 hours or less. Aside from color (It is still brown), I won't discuss the quality of this spotting, but it is not like what I usually get. And it's lasted longer than usual. Of course, I am approaching 40, so who knows what the hell my body is doing.

I tested yesterday, 14dpo, and still nothing. I had a little cramping yesterday (thought for sure I was going to start) and a little today.

I haven't tested today, because I really don't think it would show anything I haven't already seen.

I'm supposed to have the beta tomorrow but I'm kind of embarrassed to call because I "didn't follow orders." Not supposed to give up hope at least until after 14dpo and I gave up at about 12. Maybe 11. But really, why waste good drugs, and I can usually read my body pretty well. I was able to anticipate at *least* my last two cycles. Doing a beta at this point seems to be pointless, as well, since I'm getting nothing on the hpts.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The universe can go screw


Death by 1000 cuts.

Crappy night, crappy morning. too much, too little to go into. but it's pissing me off.

I'm a fucking mess and my house is fucking mess and I'm about to lose it all over someone.

Yes, I still have the migraine. the drugs took the edge off, but it's still there, poking its tongue out at me.

Peed on two sticks this morning (well, actually, I piac). The FRER? Oh, totally stark white. It looks even whiter where the test line should be.

the CVS early? The typical evap. AWE.Some.

I know it's an evap because it's 13 dpo, and I'm getting no lines on the super early frer. Oh, and I"m spotting. not much -- I have to um, you know. to see it, but it's there. brown. Just a matter of time before it's red.

I did not do a good job with all the pills and shots and inserts and sleep and caffeine. Oh, and the otc migraine medicine.

Part of me wants to do another one, so I can "do a better job." because i"m insane.

Time to give up. At least on this route.

So. How did you decide on your IVF clinic? Seriously. Give me your advice. Assvice. I'll take it.

I'm thinking about just going to NY/Cor.nell, since I have family there whom I can stay with. And I really don't know if I trust *anyone* around here.

Financial aid should be coming in any day now. Friday I think. That should cover our part, I think. Of course, we can't afford *anything* else. Like clothes. The occasional dinner out. Vacation. Hah. Vacation. We can afford that when we are old and childless. After our adoption attempt fails and I get out of the looney bin.

Talk to me.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


12 dpo. afternoon test.

Also? going on day 2 of migrane-palooza.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Believe it or not

I haven't tested yet. Not even to see the trigger leave my system. It's 8dpo.

I'm not feeling anything I can't attribute to something else, like progesterone or stress.

I'm caught up with finishing a project. Or trying to, so that's been a decent distraction. But I am looking at old posts, old emails to see what was going on around now in the past, if anything. And what was going on when something did happen.

I have no idea.

If you feel like it, let me know how you're doing, what you're up to this weekend.

Take care.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Don't. Wanna.

(to be read in a whiny voice...)

I have so much work to do.

I don't care. I don't want to do it.

That seems to be the problem. I'm lacking the motivation, the intention, the commitment I see my colleagues demonstrating.

I can *do* it. If I put my mind to it. If I wanted to make the effort.

I am trying to read this narrative project I have for one of my classes. Of the 6 pages written (by my group-mates) I have barely gotten through 2, as the writing is so... well, not great. I am correcting punctuation, not to mention the treacly prose. I am literally reading it one paragraph at a time. It is not a huge project, but I do need to be able to contribute to it.

I feel... I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. Or there is a fist going through my chest. How is that for overly dramatic? I am annoyed and frustrated.

Yes, I know. Just get through it so I can be done with it. I do see benefit to be had from my classes. Growth or, at least, learning.

There are so many other things on my mind.

But, really, I do care about all this. I do. But.

I don't know what's stopping me. I can hear C in my head, saying, "For now, forget about why, and just get it done." It's not that I think he's wrong.

Maybe I'm not strong-willed enough.

What will happen if I don't get all this done?

When I was in eighth grade, I quit. I stopped doing my work. I holed up in my house, in my room. I stopped going to school.

This feels a little like it.

I was pretty depressed then. And there was a lot going on, in my head, in my body, my home.

I can't do that again.

I don't know how to get through this. I can't quit, but I don't know how to get through. Don't know how to get it done.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Nothing to say

1 dpo.

I think I've got ohss. Today is better, but I've been sitting around. It's snowing and I didn't have any commitments at school, so it's one of those days.

Still trying to get through work.

I don't even know what I'm thinking about. Just blocking everything, I guess.


What's going on in your world?

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


aka HMC, Day 12/IUI#1 of 2.

(Yeah, it's clumsy. Oh, well.)

So, we had the first IUI today. C couldn't be there, as he's teaching and working all day. And tomorrow, too.

I don't even have any chit chat left for the doctor. Left for the staff.

I'm burgeoning, though, which I guess is good. My last u/s showed 4 follicles (did I already report this?) at about 19-21 on Monday. Triggered last night. Tomorrow is O day. Oh, and I get to teach while recovering -- awesome!! Group work! Word jumbles for everyone!

So, yeah, I'm really achey from these eggs growing. Just have to keep a lid on the hope. I know that just because there are eggs, it doesn't mean anything. Just that there are eggs.

I'm sorry I don't have much to say.

I have work I am still struggling to focus on. I have to get my brain back.

More later, maybe.