Friday, September 25, 2009

I have a great sister

"I'm not gonna blow any sunshine up your ass," she says, as I try not to cry. I tell her I appreciate it. And I do. She's returning my call from this morning, reporting in. She's in the car, on the way to the airport to pick up her oldest friend, visiting her to meet the baby.

She agrees when I say, Yes it's still early, anything could happen. But it doesn't look good.

And here come the tears.

*****

I also have great friends. Thanks for cursing the universe for me. Keep it coming.

I knew all along that we would likely not get pg on the first cycle.

But I was hoping.

Goddammit, I was hoping.

And all along, I knew I'd be crushed when it didn't happen. I had no coping plan in place. (Besides my usual compulsive purchasing of sheets, of course. Though, the timing sucks and we shouldn't blow money right now on ego-soothing shopping sprees. Maybe next week, but not now. Which totally negates the point of retail therapy.)

*****

So, I'll eat. Compulsively. Sugar soothes me, too. Told A that I went out and bought all kinds of nosherie that are *not* on the plan (WW). "Screw the plan," she says. Yeah, I laugh. All kinds of plans get screwed, right?

*****

I think part of what's upsetting me (aside, obviously, from not being pg) is that I seem to have forgotten that I'm infertile. I mean, who am I to get pregnant on the first try back in the process? And I am, after all, 39 -- eggs don't last forever. And lord knows how welcoming my uterus is, anyway. Especially after all it's been through.

Why should it be easy? Why should the plan work now, first shot, when it never did before?

I have such a headache. Where are those chips?

*****

Well, I am not going to grade papers this weekend. That's pretty much for sure. At least not tomorrow, anyway.

What are you folks up to this weekend?

13 comments:

jill said...

Those white tests suck so badly. I'll be thinking of you and hoping.

Going to a faire this weekend to eat lots of bad-for-me food, so I'll join you in the snacking!

Aunt Becky said...

I'm sending you warm vibes and a plate of hot cookies. Love you STE.

AKD said...

I am just so truly sorry. I hope that you have a weekend where you can just curl up and give yourself all of the time you need.

Michele said...

I wanted it for you the first time too. I wanted it so much. I'm still holding out hope. Please Universe... pretty please...

Heather said...

I think you deserve an infinite number of WW flex points for the weekend.

k@lakly said...

I wanted it for you the first time too. Because, god damn it, it should be easy for you.
I go for carbs over sugar and I am all about chips and salsa any time! You eat what you want, all weekend long, you've earned it.

Astrid said...

I'm going to visit my SIL who will not let up on the "it's time for you guys to have kids" thing. I should make it into a drinking game. One beer or glass of wine per hint dropped. Cause I can drink. Cause I'm not pg either. Let's make the most of it, shall we? Have a good one.

Betty M said...

So sorry it is not looking good for this time.

Bluebird said...

I get it - the suger, the forgetting you're IF, everything. Its easy to forget when you've been there, done that. Already traveled this road once. Paid your dues. . . So sorry.

Mrs. Spit said...

aww crap. I'm really sorry.

Anonymous said...

awww crap is right. --c.

loribeth said...

Sending you prayers & positive thoughts, whatever the outcome.

I'm a big believer in retail therapy, too. ; )

I got a new washer & dryer delivered this weekend -- front loader! My old ones were 19 years old & on their last legs.

CLC said...

I am really sorry Sue. I am a big proponent of retail therapy too. Treat yourself. You deserve it.