All I wanna do

...is eat.

Nom nom nom...

It's not great for the diet, this TTC business. Especially TTC after loss. Two frickin' years after loss.

Sigh. Especially when there is nothing really good to eat* in the house. Because of the diet.

(You'd think after all this time, I'd be doing better with all this.)

*****

Thank you for all your good wishes. During the last cycle we did, the one when we got pg with the boys, I started telling people that we were trying. I accepted offers of good thoughts, prayers, positive vibes...And it made me feel a little less alone. This time, I'm telling very few people. My sister, a few close friends. And you wonderful folks. Feels good to have you cheering me on -- you, who understand.

*****

I am only 5 dpiui today. Five freaking days. How is that possible? Surely, it's been a week or 10 days? No? Crap.

I bought some cheap pee sticks and have been watching the trigger leave my system. It's been a week now, and it's just about all gone (thank you, O.vid.rel!) -- just a barely visible line, and that's when the stick has totally dried, way past the notorious 10 minute mark.

Of course, I know that there is no way I'll see anything good on a pee stick for at least 4 or 5 days. At the very soonest.

Used to be, when I was an old pro at this, on my 8th or 9th cycle, that I could wait at least until 7 or 8 days to start thinking about trying an hpt. I knew that any time before 9 or 10 dp, there would be nothing to see.

[Feels like the first time....feels like the very first time...]

Sorry. I'm back at the beginning. Hoping. But reminding myself of the practicalities. Wanting to see *something* that tells me something good will happen.

*****

I have ohss. A mild case of it, I think, but enough that my ovaries hurt and I'm often queasy. It's amazing I even have anything to use on the pee sticks. (Sorry.) I'm not too terribly bloated, but I can feel that my ovaries are big. And I am achy enough to know that I shouldn't do the booster shot. I'm not disappointed, but I have been constantly checking in on myself (for a change) to see if I'm imagining it, so the beta will be that much sooner. Part of me is now wanting to put it off as long as possible, so I can continue the fantasy.

But I did pick up the booster from the drug store in case I was feeling better. The nurse said I should take it only if I feel totally normal (insert joke here) on Sunday. Like I hadn't had any treatment at all. And I've had this probably 4 or 5 times before. Usually pretty mild, but enough so you'd notice. And so I'd learn.

It's gotten worse over the last few days, which, of course, gives me hope, because the HCG from the trigger is actually *leaving* my system. Of course, I know that it's *far* too early for any hcg to even be produced, let alone have an impact on my body.

And usually, in cycles where I've at least conceived, there has been just a teeny bit of blood -- like a little capillary or something -- around 5 or 6 dpiui. At least I think it was then. This time, I had a ton of (sorry) old blood the day after the IUI, mixed with the EWCM. I'm assuming this means that I ovulated really strongly. I'm hoping that's what it means. I didn't really start to ache until a couple of hours or so after the IUI, so of course I worry that the timing is off.

*****

This is quite possibly one of the longest two week periods I've ever experienced ever. Not just TTC. EVER.

God.Dammit.

My sister has asked me what my strategy is for getting through this 2ww. I have no plan. I was hoping I could engage in school work, but any free moment, any free thought goes right to, well, what may or may not be going on inside my body. I wish I could go to sleep for 10 days and wake up on the day before beta day. We got a brand new mattress set (Thank you, Ma.cy's Labor Day Sale) this week (the old one was from 1992!) and I love just spending time on the bed. Napping, dozing...ahhh.

Had a very nice first night of Rosh Hasha.nah. Thinking about hosting something for the afternoon of the beginning of Yo.m Kipp.ur. Maybe just a small thing, open house or something, with my colleagues and new friends. I don't know.

*****

I'm starting to feel anxiety again. Especially when I think about it for more than a few minutes, concentrated obsessing. Oy.

Trying to remember to breathe.

So, what do you do during the two week wait? Tell me stories, give me strategies, ask me questions. Send me recipes (for sweets, for the holidays, anything...). Anything to keep me distracted for a few more minutes is greatly appreciated.


*I want cupcakes! Cookies with sweet frosting!