Is this all for nothing?
It turns out that all my worries from childhood are true.
I am fucked up. I am too broken lead the life I've dreamed up.
Immaturity. Depression. Insecurity. Fear. Weakness.
I worried so much of making something of my life: what career, what work will fulfill me?
I was afraid of connecting with someone. Afraid of rejection. Of not reaching my potential.
Afraid of my mother's mistakes.
People say, "oh. you'll make such a great mother." I really don't know. since apparently I need to be on a particular cocktail to keep me stable. I do not want my children to have a fucked-up mother. I do not want to fuck up my children because I am this way.
The pharma says, your health is more important to me, more important right now, than any effect on pregnancy.
If you get pregnant we'll deal with it then. But how will I deal with it?
I look at my relationship. I look at my own head, my own history. And I wonder, who would give me their child to raise? Would I?
I don't know.
I am having surgery on Tuesday and I wonder if it's even worth it. One, maybe two more cycles. IVF appears to be out. I fear adoption. I am still open to it, but I can't imagine being good enough.
This is not all I am. But does it eclipse everything else? does it? should it? What does that say about everything else?
And I am alone. My words do not speak. I cannot articulate the feeling in my gut, in my heart.
And others just get farther away.