Saturday, December 12, 2009

And I wonder

Is this all for nothing?


It turns out that all my worries from childhood are true.

I am fucked up. I am too broken lead the life I've dreamed up.

Immaturity. Depression. Insecurity. Fear. Weakness.


I worried so much of making something of my life: what career, what work will fulfill me?

I was afraid of connecting with someone. Afraid of rejection. Of not reaching my potential.

Afraid of my mother's mistakes.


People say, "oh. you'll make such a great mother." I really don't know. since apparently I need to be on a particular cocktail to keep me stable. I do not want my children to have a fucked-up mother. I do not want to fuck up my children because I am this way.

The pharma says, your health is more important to me, more important right now, than any effect on pregnancy.

If you get pregnant we'll deal with it then. But how will I deal with it?


I look at my relationship. I look at my own head, my own history. And I wonder, who would give me their child to raise? Would I?

I don't know.


I am having surgery on Tuesday and I wonder if it's even worth it. One, maybe two more cycles. IVF appears to be out. I fear adoption. I am still open to it, but I can't imagine being good enough.


This is not all I am. But does it eclipse everything else? does it? should it? What does that say about everything else?


And I am alone. My words do not speak. I cannot articulate the feeling in my gut, in my heart.

And others just get farther away.


CLC said...

Sending you a hug Sue. I think you are an excellent Mother. Please don't doubt yourself when it comes to that.

Rachel said...

I think we all doubt our abilities to parent, especially if there is anything in our past which suggests that we might fail. But your dedication and perserverance speak to what type of parent you will be, and the more you establish and check and recheck your support networks during this long process the more ready you will be.

k@lakly said...

I hope the surgery goes well. And your words, your voice, is heard here, always.

Michele said...

We are here. We wont get farther away.

Sending love.

Tash said...

Here's the thing: depression is often a chemical thing in your brain. Sure, it's triggered by big life events, and man have you had a few, but it has zero - nada -zilch to do with what kind of mother you'd be. Recognizing that you have this problem and it's something to keep an eye on is in fact a sign that you're going to be the best kind -- the kind that understands you need to take care of you first, and happy moms make for happy kids. So what if you need pharma? Nothing to do with love, understanding, listening, attentiveness, giving, being.

Thinking of you Tuesday and beyond. Hang tough, you can do this. And like Michele said, we're all here.

erica said...

Just here listening and thinking of you.

m said...

I am here. And listening. And feeling so much of this with you. I hope you know how true your words feel to others. You are not alone. This is all I can say.