Monday, September 27, 2010

I'm really tired

of feeling left out.

Just another birth announcement in the department. Didn't even know they were expecting.

The second "new daddy" in the department in a month. C's former adviser is pregnant with #2. I know of at least one more imminent birth, assuming all has gone well with the pg thus far.

I'll be using the side entrance for a while. No need to further torture myself with pictures of storks and beaming parents. Let the skulking begin.

What happened to all that progress?

Yeah. Still here.

Feeling better overall. Looks like comps are on their way. My students seem to be a nice enough group. C has officially begun the job search. Possibilities are on the horizon. Generally hopeful and positive

But I'm still struggling. Trying to be social. Everything still feels like an effort. My SIL is about 5 weeks away from having a child. I am dreading it. Isn't that terrible?

I'm trying to be positive. Hoping it doesn't happen until after comps, though, just in case. Next appointment with the pharma isn't for another 10 days or so. I was thinking I would just try to keep things the same, but I'm so emotional. And my body reacted to the 2ww like I was pg. *That* was fun. Which way do I face in the shower? Which shirt do I wear?

Picking fights and feeling angry, too.

And feeling really sad. It just sort of washes over me.

Here and there.

Better, overall.

Tired, though. Of all of this.

Aren't you glad you stopped by?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


This is something I've (obviously) been struggling with. I'm not there, yet. I'm still resistant, my symbolic garage packed to the gills.

But I get it.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


Today was the baby shower. I totally put it out of my mind.

Well, not totally, but I had it in my mind that it was next week for some reason.

No gift from me. I'm sure I'll be hearing about this at least 2nd or 3rd hand.


Friday, September 17, 2010

A New Member of the Club


A couple of weeks ago, I got an email from one of my students saying that she was going to miss class because her sister had to deliver her baby two months prematurely. I checked in with her the following week, and her sister was doing okay, but they didn't think the baby was going to make it, as she was having trouble breathing.

Surely, I thought to myself, at 32 weeks, this baby would make it. Not much to worry about, I thought. (For us, 32 weeks would have the dream gestation.)
I checked in with her again, today. The baby passed away last week.


I sent her links to GITW and the Stirrup-Queens blogroll. Told her that I had been through something similar and would be here if she ever wants to talk.

And now I'll let it go. I don't want to become some creepy stalker/teacher. Don't want her to feel any pressure.

It's all so... I don't know. Life goes on. And so does loss. My student, at what, maybe 20 years old, has lost the innocence of the idea that, at some point, you can count on getting a baby at the end of a pregnancy.

Or maybe I'm projecting. Still. She is certainly affected. Her whole family is.

And I'm so sorry for that.

Sunday, September 12, 2010


Today, three years ago, my beta had more than doubled in the required 48 hours: from 568 to 1354.

In case you couldn't tell, it's been a rough week.

I tried, again, to read some of Alexa's (from Flotsam) book, and it's just all too familiar. I just realized my body went into similar, familiar...places.

There's a spot in my chest that just...aches. Like it's been...pierced, or stabbed, by something small but sharp. Just a few inches deep. I feel it when I breathe.

Her description of her reaction, of her experience with the doctors when things start to go really wrong, just getting through bedrest...

My entire body is clenched. It's all so familiar. I'm up to chapter 7 or 17 or something, but I don't think I can go on. Not for now, anyway.

Have I mentioned how similar our experiences were? our reactions, feelings -- even the same jokes. Our anatomy scan was scheduled for the same day, too, I think.

It's great writing, but I think I need to be done for a while.

Things here have been relatively good. I'm functioning, mostly. I'm teaching a nice group of kids. I'm planning to take comps at the end of October -- nothing like waiting til the last minute, huh? At any rate, decent functioning. Laughter.

Some things bother me. I get up and I'm fine and then something whacks me in the face. I deal, it's okay. But, damn, it's tiring.

So, yeah, some things are difficult. Just being social, worrying about stuff. Getting work done...yeah, well, not doing great. I'm missing my two dear friends who moved out of town. But I'm taking Stella to the dog park. I'm doing laundry. Teaching. Even some mentoring or just helping out with a few of the new instructors for my course. It feels good.

I have a colleague who is also IF, and we talk about it -- quite a bit actually. Sometimes I just want to talk about something else. Which is weird for me.

I've been thinking about being pregnant again. Not that I expect it to happen, with or without help, but what it might be like. I've looked at some old emails from that time, lo these many years ago.

It seems to me that there needs to be *some* denial that something could go wrong. Vigilance, but hope? Alexa mentions this in her book, about how the lows were SO low, but the highs were just SO high. Those moments she describes are like moments I had, too. Not many, but enough. And so good.

But I don't know that I could do it again now. C has begun the process of applying for a tenure-track job, and there are several opportunities that could land us in a state where insurance covers all of IVF costs. There is no telling, of course, but given the opportunity to try again, given stability on all fronts, is sooo attractive.

But how do you do it? Many of my friends in this terrible club, including my own sister, have gone on to have a living child (or two). I have followed the accounts of panic and denial and the whole "mind-fucked"-ness of it all. How do you bear it?

I may post a couple of emails I sent from that time. Just to share some of that time. I don't even know why it seems like I should, why I want to. I don't know.

I hope some of you are still around. I have been quiet and a terrible commenter. I am not even keeping up with friends who do not live in the computer. I think about you folks a lot. Hope you are well.

I'm going to try to write more. I need to for school, and it just feels good to post, even when it's like this. The stabby pain has retreated some.

What are you up to these days?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Three Years

Three years ago tomorrow, September 8, I told my dad I thought the cycle had worked. It was at my cousin's wedding, a gorgeous day, beautiful ceremony, beaming bride and groom.

It had been two weeks since the IUI. I didn't even use the P-word, even though the pee-sticks couldn't get any darker. I still have one in my nightstand drawer. Everything else from that period is in C's office or at the community thrift store.

Oh, and all the emails from that period of time, conveniently labeled/foldered for easy access. The joy -- tentative, as the pee-sticks grew darker, as the betas came in and doubled beautifully, the potential ultrasound...two sacs, two heartbeats...

So much to look forward to. I want that again.

I'm trying. Trying to look forward. Working on it.