Wednesday, April 20, 2011

who knew?

Beauty, brains and morals.

Christy Turlington Burns.  The former supermodel. Looking at pre and perinatal care for high risk pregnant women.  A cause I could get behind.

There's a short article and a 1 minute trailer. Take a look.

Real post soon.  Therapy seems to be productive so far, and I'm feeling, well, more stable.  Hopeful, even. The tree in our front yard that I thought was dead?  Sprouting leaves and blossoms.  Not even a metaphor.  Remember those two tulips I posted lo these many Aprils ago?  They have found a friend.

I'm trying to not read into it. I'm just trying to feel my way through effective therapy that leaves me tired, but, well, thoughtful. I' m not saying hopeful again, but thinking. Open, maybe.

This song has been running through my head.  I played it a lot when my mom was sick and in the years following, but not recently.  It just feels so...close these days.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Just saying

There are a couple of new posts up on C's blog.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

It's okay

Well, no it's not, but I'm okay.  Thank you for all your supportive comments.  I kind of want to leave the comments up so when people go.og.le those sites, they can see what they're getting into.  Though, I don't want to upset anyone randomly coming upon them.  We'll see.

Really, they made me more angry than anything else.  I had had a really crappy day.  I called it "death by one thousand cuts," because it was just a series of minor but pain in the ass crappy things happening all day long. I got 3.5 hours of sleep the night before,  then I got home from 12 hours at school to these comments and I was someplace between laughter, horror and anger.  Pissed off.  If I had been in a better state of mind when I found them, probably I would have been more upset. At first, I wasn't even sure what I was looking at. 

Something that surprised me was not so much that these assholes decided to troll  sites looking to share their hatred of babies and children. They were just being mean. 

Who does that?  I mean, the posts they commented on (at least one of them) was not right in the open and purposely hit nerves. 

Who does that?  Who has that kind of time on his/her hands?  Who has so much hatred for people in general? 

At first I wanted to set up a profile and leave a post on the forum spewing vitriol and four-letter words.  C talked me down.  Really, not worth the effort or, well, anything.


Five minutes after I found these comments?  My dad called.  I hadn't talked to him in almost 10 days, and felt bad enough about that, but I just couldn't talk to him.  I know he's been going through hell with my brother and his wife.  I wanted to talk to him, but I really couldn't.  And after all the little, pissy crap I had to deal with for 12 hours, plus this, I started to cry.  He said that was fine, he'd talk to me on Thursday. And that he loved me.  I held it together and just got teary.  A couple of pills and off to sleep.

Just as an aside, I feel like I'm doing some good work with my new therapist.  It makes me regret all the time that seems to have been lost, but I"m trying to tell myself that I hadn't been ready yet.   There's someone who says that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  Maybe that's it.

Anyway. It meant a lot to get your support.  It really did.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Anonymous can go suck it.

I just opened two emailed comments on blog, 9:50pm on a really crappy day:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "This resonated for me.": 
dead babies are funny we love ded babies 

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Intake":
hahahahah you killed ur two kids


Fuck You.