Thursday, March 10, 2011

Intake

Between spring break and the flu, I've been watching a lot of TV.  Well, let's face it, I watch a lot of TV anyway, but that's besides the point. One of the networks was running marathons of the TV show House, from recent seasons. One stuck out for me in particular.  It was season 6, episode 2, when he's at the psychiatric hospital.  I couldn't shake this scene between house and his psychiatrist (played by Andre Brau.gher).


Nolan: Why do you value your failures more than your successes?
House: My mother caught me masturbating… to pictures of her mother.
Nolan: Can we get past these cut deflections?
House: Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever.
Nolan: So you accept that fact. You accept that there’s nothing you can do.
House: Okay, I accept the fact that there’s nothing I can do. Now, what can I do?
Nolan: You acknowledge failure, and you move past it. You apologize.
House: Wow. Powerful things, these apologies. Get someone to jump off a building and you say two words and you move on with your life. Hardly seems fair.
Nolan: Is that the issue? You caused him pain. If the world is just, you have to suffer equally? [House lets this sink in as Nolan laughs slightly.] You’re not God, House. You’re just another screwed-up human being who needs to move on. Apologize to him. Let yourself feel better. Then you can learn to let yourself… keep feeling better.
http://community.livejournal.com/clinic_duty/33247.html#cutid1

*****
I can't do it.

There are some failures that can't be made up for.  I don't believe I have to suffer forever my sins, for my failure to do the very best I could, what I knew my children needed. I thought I could take care of everything.  People failed me.  But I failed them. I didn't demand what I needed -- better care, better doctors, time off from school, more frequent doctor visits.

I don't think I did the best I could.I know I didn't.

I can't make up for it. I can't simply apologize.

I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.  Or, perhaps I can forgive myself, but

I don't know that I can ever trust myself or my body again, and

I don't know if I can trust anyone, any doctor, provider, to take care of me.

I don't know if I can trust anything, anyone.

I don't know how to exist in the world anymore.

Connect with people. Create.

Trust others. Take care of others.

Be taken care of.

*****
I'm trying to get back into therapy to move on. Get on with my life.  Completing the intake form for the therapist was eye opening, too.

Hindsight is not 20/20. Not in this case. There are moments of clarity, but so much that I just don't know -- how things happened, how I behaved, reacted.  Of what I actually needed.

I just don't know.

17 comments:

Michele said...

((hugs))

Love's mom FOREVER said...

I have felt the exact same way. Did I do enough? Did I do my best? Could I have done something differently to get a different outcome? And the answer is that if there was something I could have done differently, I would have. We can only act based on the information we have at the time. And what did we know? that we were pregnant, our bellies were getting bigger, that our babies were moving around, etc... We couldn't have known what laid in store for us, or we would have acted.
I am struggling too, to stop beating myself up. But I am coming to a place where I am accepting that if there was anything different to be done, I would have done it. And you would have too. I loved my baby and you loved your boys. That is the best we could have done. All of us who have lost babies did the best we could.
I wish I could give you a big hug, because I know how you feel. I hope it gets better soon...
Brooke

erica said...

I wish self-forgiveness wasn't so damnably hard. And you're absolutely right, sometimes hindsight isn't clear at all.

Anonymous said...

hahahahah you killed ur two kids ww.bratfree.com

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