There is light today.
It was drizzling this morning, dark-ish, but now, later in the afternoon, sunlight through bare tree limbs, white sky.
Today winter becomes spring. It's my brother's birthday, too. Even as a little girl, I thought it was cool that this day is his birthday. The beginning of the season of light and re-birth, flowers and warmth. His birth coincided with the beginning of spring.
Skype session with G went well. I like her so far. She has a grounded professionalism, and that calm that I imagine is how people used to describe me. I dove right into my anxiety about starting therapy again, and all the guilt and digging into all the crap that I haven't been able to shake for very long for more than three years. She is kind of holistic, in that way that she is aware of and embraces the connections between the mind and body and health and how the experience of infertility impacts it. She just wants to start with baby steps. Little steps. Like eating breakfast. One small thing to take care of myself.
I think I will get something out of this.
There was nothing earth-shattering about this first meeting. She didn't really say anything that hasn't been said before about the immense guilt and responsibility I feel -- the sole cause of all of this, and how I can't climb out. How can I live a life like knowing that I failed so miserably? These are things I felt going into the conversation. I didn't say all that, but I felt it. What kind of life can I lead knowing I failed at the most important thing there is? And that I continue to fail at everything else, over and over again.
Talking with C today, I had some revelations. They are not easy ones, and not ones I'm prepared to share here. But I do sense a...sea change? a different perspective. Oh, the guilt is still there. But something has changed. Maybe. Something that may help me climb my way out of this after all. I may get bloody and filthy and exhausted along the way. I may not get all that far.
But maybe I can gain some footing.
Or maybe it's just the sun behind the white sky encouraging me.