Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Yesterday was a dark day. My eyes are still kinda sore from tears.

Full of anger and argument. Fighting. Frustration. Loss.

Have you ever felt like you were trying to say something, perhaps trying to say it in different ways, so the other can really understand, but they just didn't? You keep having this same conversation, sometimes with different people, but no one seems to hear, seems to understand the words. You don't know how else to say it, how else to communicate this thing. And this is someone who otherwise understands you, loves you. Whom you feel you understand, whom you love.

But it's like you have apha.sia or something. It sounds like you are saying the same thing, but the meaning is not there.

By the end of the day, there was clarity. Or, at least, a little more of it.

Today, the light seemed different. A little better. At least for now. Some progress.

C leaves tomorrow for my in-laws for the holiday. I am staying here. Initially, I thought I would go, too, but, for a number of reasons, I am staying put. My dear friend will be here, but not until the day after Chri.stmas.

I am trying to decide if I will stay home in bed, medicated and eating, or if I'll go out and try to volunteer somewhere, in hopes of some good coming out of this day. Some real distraction. Not sure yet. Suggestions are welcome.

Fiat Lux.


luna said...

thinking of you sue. I know how impossibly hard this time of year is. sending you love and a hug. whatever gets you through, my friend. xo

Sara said...

Since you asked...Please go somewhere. I don't think the bed option will make you feel better. Volunteering sounds like a great option, but so would a comfy couch at a coffee shop with a book.

Thinking of you.

Tash said...

Getting out of bed sounds kinda good to me too, even if it's just to the couch -- movie marathon! (Is there a tv show you've always wanted to watch from start to finish?) WALK THE DOG. No good if that doesn't happen. Make something for dinner that you like but C hates. Read a cheezy mystery.

Know we're all here if you need us (you still have my phone #, yes?), and thinking of you. You're never really "alone," Sue.

Mrs. Spit said...

I've been in that place. Go, volunteer. I don't promise it will be all better, but at the end of the night, you will have done meaningful work, and that will be much better to reflect upon than if you stayed in a haze.

Sending hugs.

k@lakly said...

I like the idea of getting out and helping someone else/volunteering. I have always found it healing to put myself somewhere where I can offer something to another soul and remind myself at the same time that I have more to give than I realize in the dark moments.
And maybe a boxed set of a series, like Weeds (always good for some giggles) with lots of your favorite snacks.
And keep the phone close by if you feel like you need to reach out and touch someone. I'll be here. If you need my #, email me.

Aunt Becky said...

Sending you love and light, Sue. I wish I were closer so I could come and stay with you.

Michele said...

Last year, we wanted to go volunteer at a hospital but they wouldnt let us because they required it be 12+ months since a loss. Even though it was 10 months since the twins, we were freshly mourning Alex. I would have loved to have done something special with volunteering.

Sissy said...

I was just writing today that I don't know what to do in this time of waiting and wondering. My husband and I are waiting to be matched with a birthmother (in the adoption process) and it isn't easy. Today I cried about the whole thing many times over. This is a hard time of year to be sitting and wanting and waiting. I relate to not wanting to go do the big holiday thing, but I'm kind of roped into it already.

And yes, people don't know what to say. They don't.

Catherine W said...

Just wanted to say that you, C and your boys are in my heart, especially over the coming days.

I think you hit the nail on the head there with apha.sia. It does feel like that at times. xo

Anonymous said...

Personally, I'd probably spend the day in a drunken stupor, but I know that's not a good thing. I'm glad you are considering healthier options. Volunteering might make you feel somewhat better if you think you can face it. Or maybe you could just sit on the couch with a bunch of movies. Reefer Madness is always good for a giggle.

Please, whatever you decide to do, know that we are all thinking about you, your husband, and your sweet boys. ((hugs)) and love from LFCA