A New Year, Again

Mrs. Spit always seems to ask or articulate something that gets me thinking. Here are my thoughts about New Year's Eve:

New Year’s Eve was always fraught for me, for the same reasons you mention, looking like the picture in the magazine. Some were great, some were okay, some were not. Since being with C, it has become a tradition to travel to Seattle, to be with C’s oldest and dearest friends, and their wives. This year, C is there and I am alone. But that is okay, too. I had initially planned to accompany him, but November shook me too much. I will likely be walking the dog at midnight.

Two years ago tonight, C and I decided to take “active management” of our situation and deliver the boys. The first step in trying to accept that there was, indeed, no hope. Still working on that.

This night one year ago was spent remembering, trying to recover.

I, too, mark time with anniversaries. Birthdays, the Jewish New Year, and the others you refer to. I jokingly call myself the Calendar Girl, as I seem to have stored so many dates and days in my head. Two years ago Saturday night marks 11 years since C first kissed me. And I knew it would be an anniversary, too.

Not an easy night, but not bad. I go back and forth between anxious and fine, glad to have some time to myself.

*****
Had a wonderful visit with my dear friend JH. Just talking and laughing and crying and talking for 3 days straight. A wonderful time.

*****
Thank you for your thoughts on the questions in my last post. The RE is probably trying to get more follicles to mature. Yesterday, on Day 6, I had 2 around 14 or 15 on each side, plus some smaller ones. I've been heartburn-y and queasy all day today, so I assume my hormones are raging. He did say I was stimming really well.

At first, he had trouble finding my right ovary (which was hanging out in front of my uterus apparently), and I made some joke about how I always tended to lean to the left, liberal, anyway. He, then, made some joke about how he has a couple of things to say to "your president".

Ugh. Did I mention that I accidentally found him on FB, while looking for the clinic page? I did, I think. And that he, apparently, has already remarried, after being divorced for a year or so. He married the owner of the shop where he does acupuncture. Who calls herself a psychic and life coach. It feels cynical, like a business arrangement. Or like a mid-life crisis.

Bleargh. I feel like I know too much about him. Where did the line go? He was, once again, named by the local city magazine as one of the best doctors in his field. There's a picture and a quote, too. The same line as on his website. Except he's added that it's a woman's biological right to have a child. I think Niobe nailed his thinking in my comments from the last post. At least, I'd like to believe that. Still, if I saw that in a magazine without knowing him, I would probably hesitate in contacting him. Because of even a mention of God. He has expanded his practice to include Eastern with Western medicine. I appreciate that. But. Is it going someplace weird?

I appreciate your thoughts on this subject, too. I don't want any of the professionals I consult with to talk to me about religious topics. I talk with very few people about it. I know I sort of opened the door when I mentioned that C was an atheist, but this? I don't know.

My sister married a man whose political views are generally pretty different from hers. She says they cancel out each other's vote on election days. I get too invested personally not to be compatible with my partner on such topics. My doctor? I don't know. I haven't really thought about it until now, but I guess we always assume that people we otherwise like have views similar to ours. Well, I guess I should say that I usually do. Until proven otherwise.

I need to let it go. I think. As long as his medical care of me does not seem to suffer, it shouldn't matter. Right? I had intended, once pregnant (hahaha ha...) to try to hang on to my RE as long as possible, and get acupuncture with him, throughout, so I could also see someone I've trusted longer than my new high risk OB. I don't know. Maybe I've just been too naive.

*****
Speaking of pregnant and this cycle... Today is Day 7. Day 1? Yes, it was Christm.as Day. And no, the poetry of getting my period on the anniversary of the day my water broke did not escape me. Also? It looks like the IUI will be on Monday, the 4th. Yes, the two-year anniversary of delivering Joshua. The day after the two-year anniversary of Jacob's delivery.

It would be interesting symmetry to get pg this cycle. To put it mildly. Well, pg with a lasting pregnancy, a potentially live birth. Of course, symmetry has nothing to do with biology and reproduction, at least with my body. I have no idea what my chances are this cycle. We may do one more, after this one, then try to make some decisions. (We decided to add a fourth cycle, since the first two were clearly hampered by my non-functional left ovary due to endo.)

Talk about marking time with anniversaries.

*****
I wish you all a good evening, and a great 2010. As a friend of mine wrote in his family holiday card to me, May all your dearest dreams come true this year.

Questions

Today (Saturday) is (was) Cycle Day 2, and my period is heavier than it has been for at least 2 or 3 cycles. Ouch. I don't know if I mentioned this, but in my post-op appointment, my RE said that my left ovary (and I think tube) were essentially non-functional with all the endo. He said he got it all.

So, the nurse returned my call and they had me come in this morning. How old are you, again? I think he asks me this every cycle. He has me start stims tonight, CD2 instead of the usual CD3. I don't know what that means. Any thoughts are welcome. Also, he's upped the dosage to 3 amps for the first 4 stims, instead of 3, 2, 3, 2. I am assuming this has something to do with my age, something he noticed during the lap, or trying to get things moving faster. The last two cycles he said I was stimming really well, so he wasn't worried about imminent ovarian failure. So?

*****
Did I mention my conversation with him last time about C's atheism and my agnosticism? He was curious, about what each meant, and I talked about my recent wrestling with the idea of a god teaching a lesson or having a plan that involved so much pain for so many, something so hurtful. He agreed they were terrible theories, but thanked me for sharing my thoughts.

On his website, it says (and has said since the beginning) "a ch.ild is a gift f.rom God." I've often wondered about this. What does this mean for IFs? For those who are never "blessed" by God with a child? Especially from the point of view of an RE?

He has never proselytized or mentioned anything like this in any appointment. He is a man of science, bonded with C over focus on research. And then this morning, I noticed that, posted on the bulletin board next to the check in window is this fax from another doctor. I've never seen it before in the clinic. It's dated some time in November of this year, and entitled What do I believe God meant when he [sic] gave me infertility?

It's an Hallmark card-like essay/poem by some random person I've never heard of, basically saying that God gave me infertility to help me savor the sweetness of the child I do raise, no matter how he or she comes to me.

Huh?

I mean, I get the idea, that it's not part of some plan, but...

Huh?

Made it

I made it through. Thank you for being there.

Little cleaning got done, but enough. No second pill. A phone call from C at 10:45 pm, no passing around to the family. I guess the weather and change in plans changed the rhythm, or perhaps they were giving me some space. They didn't mention it, and neither did C, assuming sensitivity on their part. Considering the gift already arrived in the mail, and the notes on FB from my SILs, I will assume sensitivity.

A return phone call from the RE's nurse woke me 10 minutes before my alarm, and thus began my rush into the day. Late for my appointment, a bit late picking up J, though I *did* get to call JK to wish her a happy birthday. J and I didn't have lunch almost 2, as we just kept talking, delaying us here, and there.

It's been a wonderful visit so far, though J seems to be coming down with a cold, so we are off to bed early. Laughter and tears and more talking. It has been wonderful.

So far

It has been a quiet, sleepy day. Not terribly cold, but raining, on and off. I've spent most of the day in bed, dozing. Only a half a Klon.opin after walking the dog let me go back to sleep after her walk.

Woke for a while mid-day, talked to my dad for an hour, surfed on-line. Got a tongue-bath from the kitty, sleepy snuggles from the dog.

It's about 5:30 pm and I'm up, looking for something to eat. Considering making a list, as the house looks the same as it did last night. The dog will need to be walked soon, and fed, as will the cats.

I'm thinking one more half a K will get me through the evening, as I can feel some anxiety rising, but just a little. I think I will be able to get through this day, clean a little, cry a little and it will be okay.

There is still the call from C's family. I believe they are all snowed in, so I don't know when it will come, how they will work the holiday this year. That call will be hard and, really, my main motivation for a little bit of something to settle the nerves.

Also, Mother Nature brought her gift today. Yes, that's right, it CD1. How's that for poetic?

The dog is asking for something. I'll post more later.

Thank you for being here, and for your notes and wishes. It means a lot.

An hour later

I am still sitting on the couch, laundry sits in the washer, done.

The windows are glittering from rain likely freezing. The cats groom each other, and the dog nestles against me, with deep, warm sleepy breathing.

And I am still sitting here.

Some poet said, "It is late. I lack courage." Or something like it.

I can't recall who said it, but the words run through my head.

A few more breaths, and I will myself up, and to bed.

The day before

Well, I spent most of today working on not being anxious. thinking about all the stuff I had to do to get ready for my friend's visit and thinking to myself, I really should make a list. That never happened, though I did get a few things picked up. Very few.

I also looked into volunteering, but didn't find anything anywhere I felt comfortable going to alone. Also, going out into the world is a tiny bit fraught, so I may hunker at home.

I have no idea how the day is going to go. I'm really looking forward to J's visit, so shere will be some futzing around cleaning, moving laundry around. There will be a call from C and his family. And of course from my Grandmother who worries I'll be too lonely without him. So she's back to calling me every night.

I hope to do a little writing. Watch some movies or TV dvds. I'll do some cleaning. Some crying. An a.tivan or two. It's all so weird. I'm really disjointed, too.

So. I just put in a load of laundry at about 1:10am. Never did make that list.

Once the laundry's done, I'll take an amb.ien and sleep.

It really helps to know you are out there.

Wishing you all peace.

Solstice

Yesterday was a dark day. My eyes are still kinda sore from tears.

Full of anger and argument. Fighting. Frustration. Loss.

Have you ever felt like you were trying to say something, perhaps trying to say it in different ways, so the other can really understand, but they just didn't? You keep having this same conversation, sometimes with different people, but no one seems to hear, seems to understand the words. You don't know how else to say it, how else to communicate this thing. And this is someone who otherwise understands you, loves you. Whom you feel you understand, whom you love.

But it's like you have apha.sia or something. It sounds like you are saying the same thing, but the meaning is not there.

By the end of the day, there was clarity. Or, at least, a little more of it.

Today, the light seemed different. A little better. At least for now. Some progress.

*****
C leaves tomorrow for my in-laws for the holiday. I am staying here. Initially, I thought I would go, too, but, for a number of reasons, I am staying put. My dear friend will be here, but not until the day after Chri.stmas.

I am trying to decide if I will stay home in bed, medicated and eating, or if I'll go out and try to volunteer somewhere, in hopes of some good coming out of this day. Some real distraction. Not sure yet. Suggestions are welcome.

Fiat Lux.

What would you do?

What would you do, what would you give up to bring a healthy child into the world?

It seems to me, that once that child is born, you are supposed to be willing to do anything you can to keep that child safe and healthy.

But until that child is here, you are just desperate. Where is the line?

*****
Perhaps I'm trying to go back in time to try to save what has already been lost, to do what I wish I had done when I had the chance.

Apparently,

I just need to get over it. What will happen will happen and I need to just let it go. No point in ruining everything else I have trying, or being sad because I'm not gonna get it.

pieces *updated*

I feel like a mess.

I have a bunch of crappy papers to read, for which I seem to have even less patience than usual.

I'm angry all the time. Pissed. Off.

I feel like I'm holding my breath. Probably sensory stuff. Anniversary stuff coming up.

I'm tired, still, from the surgery. Sore, but healing. But sore. Sleeping a lot.

Beginning of each day seems to bring something like a panic attack. Or low blood sugar. Or both.

*****

Dr. got all the endo. There was enough that it could have prevented implantation. We will do another cycle as soon as I start again.

Worried. Scared. For any, all outcome -- pregnant or not.

*****

I'm getting worried about the holidays. The weather is grey/white and cold. Snowed today. But things are quiet in town. I can feel that tension. Sadness. Anxiety. Two years. Falling apart.

I hate it.

*****

My friend who is supposed to stay with me over Chris.tmas while C is gone, has been out of touch. I know she has a lot going on. I *really* need to hear from her. Really need to hear. I'm worried that she's not going to come after all.

And I'm worried how I'm going to do.

*****

I have a ton of work for school. I promised myself I'd put it off until I'm done with grading. Get through Christm.as and the anniversaries. But then I have a ton of stuff.

*****

Ambien helped me sleep the last few nights. But I can't keep taking it if we're doing another cycle. But I can't do another cycle feeling like this.

I'm taking Klon.opin every day. Back up to my reg Cym dose. I want to be in a better state. I want to quell the anxiety. The anger. The worry.

Numb it.

I have two kinds of Tyle.nol plus something nar.cotic on my nightstand. Haven't taken any since Weds. It's tempting, though. Just a nice buzz.

But I won't.

It's too easy. Too slippery a slope.

*****

I hate to even write this. To even admit this. I just want to get through this. do better than this.



***
Updated: Plans with friend have been confirmed. A few papers of decent quality. Pit is less deep, but I am still twitchy.

better, though.

thank you.

made it

There and back again, thanks to a new dear friend.

Lap and everything went fine. Level 2 endo but not much else. Or much I can remember.

Fuzzy from anes and pain reliever and anti-nausea meds. More soon.

Thanks for the love and thoughts.

Better

Perhaps it's a little hospital ptsd. Or leftovers from arguments with C. Not that we ever argue.

Thank you for the kind, supportive words. I'm sure everything will work out fine.

The anti-nausea patch has begun to make me a bit loopy. I'll check in later.

Thank you, guys.

Anxiety

dissolves into anger.

Even with the half a Kl.onopin.

I'm not sure even why. I mean, aside from the obvious fact that I'm having a minor surgical procedure.

I walked around the market picking up a few supplies for the few days I'll be out of commission. Anxiety growing.

Feeling all alone, maybe.

After anxious? Angry. Or, in addition to it. Angry. Sad?

Why?

Not sure. There are so many possibilities.

But what specifically?

I hate this.

And I wonder

Is this all for nothing?

physical
emotional

It turns out that all my worries from childhood are true.

I am fucked up. I am too broken lead the life I've dreamed up.

Immaturity. Depression. Insecurity. Fear. Weakness.

Hesitation.

I worried so much of making something of my life: what career, what work will fulfill me?

I was afraid of connecting with someone. Afraid of rejection. Of not reaching my potential.

Afraid of my mother's mistakes.

*****

People say, "oh. you'll make such a great mother." I really don't know. since apparently I need to be on a particular cocktail to keep me stable. I do not want my children to have a fucked-up mother. I do not want to fuck up my children because I am this way.

The pharma says, your health is more important to me, more important right now, than any effect on pregnancy.

If you get pregnant we'll deal with it then. But how will I deal with it?

*****

I look at my relationship. I look at my own head, my own history. And I wonder, who would give me their child to raise? Would I?

I don't know.

*****

I am having surgery on Tuesday and I wonder if it's even worth it. One, maybe two more cycles. IVF appears to be out. I fear adoption. I am still open to it, but I can't imagine being good enough.

*****

This is not all I am. But does it eclipse everything else? does it? should it? What does that say about everything else?

*****

And I am alone. My words do not speak. I cannot articulate the feeling in my gut, in my heart.

And others just get farther away.

Winter Song, again

I keep listening to this song and crying. There are so many different things that it touches in me.

Here are some of the lyrics

...

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
It rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
To carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

They say that things just cannot grow*
Beneath the winter snow,
Or so i have been told.

They say were buried far,
Just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
Cause you're not where you belong;
Inside my arms..

...

I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
And life will find a way.

I'll be your harvester of light
And send it out tonight
So we can start again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
Cause you're not where you belong;
Inside my arms.

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
It rolls in from the sea.

My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
To carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

~ Sara Bareilles (With Ingrid Michaelson)

Loss. Yearning. Love. Friendship. Hope. Hoping for hope.

Over and over again. Tears.

Tears.

*This verse especially.

Further thoughts.

This guy is really bright, very passionate about his topic, and seems to think he is very experienced (despite his young age) in spiritual struggles. In some things, he was actually insightful. In others? Um, no. Sometimes writing about this, processing it, helps. Uh yeah, blog? journal? 15 years in writing groups?

I think he actually learned from my writing about IF and how it actually is a medical condition (i.e. that you can meditate as much as you want, but that's not going to make my blood clot correctly or keep my cervix from opening on its own). he likes to talk about equity and privilege; in mentioning the different directions I may want to go in pursuit of this line of research, I talked about privilege. As in, I am lucky to have 50% coverage up to a lifetime limit of $10K, Of course, one round of IVF usually costs around $15K, so it the fact that I've even gotten this far shows a huge amount of privilege, though I may now be stuck. ("I don't know what IVF means." Sigh.)

His BA was in some biomedical field, too. My eyes are rolling so much they hurt. I know IF and Pg loss is one of those subjects no one talks about until it happens to them, but holy cow. NO ONE talks about it. NO ONE knows how to think about it, or talk about it, or, god forbid, death, let alone baby death.

Anyway.

Sorry to rant.

*****
So, I'm really excited now, about pursuing this research. This project I"m working on is very limited (strictly in academia due to my course), but I think it's going to get pretty big -- wide and deep, especially considering the wonderful, amazing responses from my dear fellow DBMs out there. I'm sorry you are here, but I'm so glad to know you. I think it really says something that so-called educated people are out there oblivious, and there are so many of us who want our story heard, understood. We are an amazing community.

Extensions

Cranky ranting to follow:

Got my profs to allow me extra time to complete my work.

So why do I feel worse? Angry. Wracked with anxiety.

Paralyzed.

And it can't just be that he's paternalistic, arrogant and skeptical of the "medicalization" of mental health, like the use of antidepressants for, oh, you know severe depression and potential suicidality after trauma.

Okay, so I guess I'm feeling a little conflicted.

I appreciate the additional time, but, BUT I "how many points shall I take off per day beyond our agreed-upon due date?" Well, uh, you're the teacher, you decide. Yes, I actually said that. And, no, he didn't blink.

Oh, god. What's freaking amazing is that this is his policy in general for late work. Late *doctoral* work.
And he didn't know what I meant by the letters IVF.

I wish I had told him about the doctor being in my uterus up to her elbow yanking out the afterbirth of my dead baby with her hands.

Or maybe I'm still just full of hate.

Winter Song

It's just that kind of day.

Sara Bareilles - New Music - More Music Videos

I heard this one way when just reading the lyrics and the video gives it a slightly different meaning. They both touch me.

p.s. sorry about the ad at the beginning.

Wow!

Thanks for all your responses! I'm drafting questions and will be in touch soon. Though this piece is small, I'm thinking it's going to grow!

I don't even know what to title this

Or if I should even ask. Tell me if this is totally out of line.

I need to do a couple of short (half-hour-ish) or one longish interview (or a few 15-20ish minutes) for my qualitative class and have decided that this project will be focus on DBMs in academia, who were/are either working on graduate/PhD degrees or newly PhD-ed/employed/tenured when they experienced their loss.

This is purely for practice, no publication, no obligation, and I have no professional skills whatsoever. But it would be totally anonymous and confidential. You can totally opt out at any time.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but I'm looking at the experience of perinatal loss and/or infertility and women who are pursuing careers/degrees in academia. it may be the seeds of a larger project, but I don't know what yet. If it were to become something more, I would of course get your written consent to pursue you and/or the info you share further.

If you have a little time for Google chat and/or video (so I can record and/or transcribe) in the next couple of days, I would be forever grateful and likely send you baked goods of some sort, since the weather is appropriately chilly enough to keep goods good.

Questions? I'm working on some.

Questions for me? Know anyone who might participate?

Is this totally inappropriate? I hope not, and I hope I don't offend anyone with this.