Today (Saturday) is (was) Cycle Day 2, and my period is heavier than it has been for at least 2 or 3 cycles. Ouch. I don't know if I mentioned this, but in my post-op appointment, my RE said that my left ovary (and I think tube) were essentially non-functional with all the endo. He said he got it all.
So, the nurse returned my call and they had me come in this morning. How old are you, again? I think he asks me this every cycle. He has me start stims tonight, CD2 instead of the usual CD3. I don't know what that means. Any thoughts are welcome. Also, he's upped the dosage to 3 amps for the first 4 stims, instead of 3, 2, 3, 2. I am assuming this has something to do with my age, something he noticed during the lap, or trying to get things moving faster. The last two cycles he said I was stimming really well, so he wasn't worried about imminent ovarian failure. So?
*****
Did I mention my conversation with him last time about C's atheism and my agnosticism? He was curious, about what each meant, and I talked about my recent wrestling with the idea of a god teaching a lesson or having a plan that involved so much pain for so many, something so hurtful. He agreed they were terrible theories, but thanked me for sharing my thoughts.
On his website, it says (and has said since the beginning) "a ch.ild is a gift f.rom God." I've often wondered about this. What does this mean for IFs? For those who are never "blessed" by God with a child? Especially from the point of view of an RE?
He has never proselytized or mentioned anything like this in any appointment. He is a man of science, bonded with C over focus on research. And then this morning, I noticed that, posted on the bulletin board next to the check in window is this fax from another doctor. I've never seen it before in the clinic. It's dated some time in November of this year, and entitled What do I believe God meant when he [sic] gave me infertility?
It's an Hallmark card-like essay/poem by some random person I've never heard of, basically saying that God gave me infertility to help me savor the sweetness of the child I do raise, no matter how he or she comes to me.
Huh?
I mean, I get the idea, that it's not part of some plan, but...
Huh?
11 comments:
Every so often, when someone tells me that they don't believe in God, I ask them to tell me about the God they don't believe in, because chances are very, very, good that I don't believe in that God either.
Scripture repeatedly says that bareness is a thing to mourn. Nowhere does it say that it is to test you.
Huh is right. I think it's fine for doctors/scientists to hold religion close (my OB in my old state was v.), but I also think it's important they recognize not everyone has their views. If they're being professionally driven by a religious principal, they'd better realize not everyone coming into their office is relieved that they do.
Waiting with you this cycle.
Holy shit, but that got my blood boiling. You mentioned the website thing before, but the new fax thing is just so very insulting. Really, Dr.Dr? Are you saying that if not for infertility, all those people who pass through the RE clinics or adoption agencies would not be as good parents? But all those who conceive easily on their own, they were all set to begin with? All of them? Really? Because damn, this pisses me off.
Honestly, I see this as nothing but justification to make oneself sleep better at night. Just like people find ways to explain why our children are dead, so they don't have to worry about such a thing befalling them, this is a coping mechanism. But it's a crummy one for anyone calling themselves a human being, and it is completely inexcusable in a doctor.
On a completely separate note, I so hope this cycle is the one...
I dont know why God allowed me to be infertile. I dont know why He allowed me to get pregnant only to lose child after child. I just dont know and, even if I did, I do know that the reason would never be "good enough". All I do know is that I am very grateful for every child... For the journey getting there, I still am trying to swallow that... But I just choose to have faith that God knows why and that it isnt my path to know, just to live as best as I can with the pain and the joy.
I dont know... I just dont know...
The type of comments about the purpose of IF comes from not thinking very hard on the part of your RE. Sorry about him being unprofessional this way. Maybe it makes him feel more important in some way, too. Hoping for the best for this cycle!
I used to believe that everything "happened" for a reason and that if you wited long enough, even the really bad things would somehow make 'sense'. I don't beleieve that anymore. I didn't necessarily ascribe the former belief to a "God" that was driving things but more to a inner hope in a world that was ordered, that made sense, that you could rely on in some way.
Now, I know, not believe, but know, that there are some things in life that don't have reasons, (and I suppose for the truly cynical that would be all things) and that sometimes really bad, awful, terrible things happen and there will never be a reason or meaning past the obvious, that it was really horible. After that, it's all in how we choose to live with that 'thing'. It can take us down forever or we can somehow fight our way back.
I know squat about the drugs/stims ec so I am worthless there. But I am here hoping this cycle is the one that takes and that your fighting back will have knocked the shitout of IF's ever lovin ass.
xxoo
I'm not sure if it's meant this way, but I could almost see the idea of a ch1ld being a gift fr0m God as saying, from the point of view of an RE, I'm going to do everything I humanly can to help you have a child, but the ultimate decision belongs to God, who, for incomprehensible reasons may choose not to grant it. Or maybe even that a ch!ld is a g1ft fr0m G0d, but that there are many other things in life that are also gifts from God...
I guess that I'm just trying to make sense out of something that may not make any sense at all.
my thought is, if you believe that there is a god, then maybe the idea is that he led you to the doctor who would help you make your baby(ies). (it does beg the question of why god would make us infertile in the first place, but if you believe there is a god, then you probably believe that he has his own reasons for everything.)
about the stims...we started on cd2 the cycle we conceived the twins. the doctor said introducing the stims earlier would hopefully produce more eggs than starting on cd3 would. it was our first and last injectibles cycle so i don't know how i would have responded if we'd started on cd3. i had 5 mature eggs when we triggered.
good luck with this cycle. you have a lot of people abiding with you.
As a fellow Atheist, I find it offensive for a doctor, especially an RE, to bring religion into their practice or to so openly have religious propaganda in the office, and even more so to ask you about it. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. God didn't give anyone IF...even if I believed in God, I wouldn't believe that IF is something he/she/it doles out to some and not others or that it was necessary to be IF to love my child. So sorry you had to deal with that. Much love and good thoughts to you and C, as always.
well, as an agnostic myself, who know what any god is thinking? It's the followers that love to make up stuff - and this cheesy thing hanging in his office sounds like that - a big misinterpretation.
I really do get fed up with the default assumption that everyone is christian. People are always offering to pray for me - and I'm kinda like um, ok, thanks but no thanks. Doesn't really do anything for me, but if it makes you feel better.... (ah - if only I said that outloud ;)
fingers crossed for this cycle... -carole
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